So Thankful

i am so thankful to have been given the second chance to reclaim my life. my life hasn't been perfect in the last few months, and i've messed up a lot lately. BUT I HAVEN'T GIVEN UP, as i would have in the past. i think that says a lot about how much i've been learning to rely on GOD, and not myself. relying on myself has gotten me nowhere good in the past. relying on God over the past few months hasn't been easy, but it has had better results.

thank you, God, for placing people in my life who have helped me see that the enemy has tried so hard to destroy me. thank you for helping me see a glimpse of worth where i have seen none. thank you for helping me see a bit of beauty among all the rubble and garbage that i have lived amongst for so long. thank you for filling my life with new dreams and goals. thank you for showing me, through the eyes and love of these amazing friends in my life, that i am SO MUCH MORE than i ever thought possible, and that i have a purpose. thank you, God, for freedom.

I'm Going to UGANDA!!

hey everyone. i know i haven't updated in a while. my life has been a bit chaotic.

i have some good news and some bad news. i'll give you the bad news first. i won't be going to school this fall. my college messed up and lost a bunch of my paperwork, and when i deferred my application last year to enter the treatment program in tulsa for the bulimia, they didn't defer my application, as i had asked them to... they actually withdrew it. so in january, i had to start the whole process all over again, which i did. i RE-PAID about $600 worth of fees that i had already paid last summer, even though i didn't ever set foot on the campus. i was getting concerned, in june, when i didn't hear from the school. i had gotten all my FAFSA and TAP grant award letters, but nothing from the college. so i e-mailed them a bunch of times and never heard anything. finally, after being very firm, i heard back from admissions last week. that's when i found out that a bunch of my stuff has been lost, i had a week to fill out forms and gather copies of the information that had been 'misplaced', and that classes started on august 25th. that was not going to be possible, and i was NOT happy. to be honest, i was pissed because now i had a whole year of planned time that was now open and UNplanned.

on to the GOOD news! i was 'talking' to my dear friend gabi (via e-mail), who has just gotten back from a missions trip to uganda with Show Mercy International (SMI). after looking at her pictures, and reading the blog she kept while in uganda, i felt a tug at my heart and i didn't know why. i kept ignoring it, until i could no longer do so. so i prayed, and asked God what on earth He wanted. and after much prayer, i feel that it is not an accident that i am not going to be in school until the fall of 2010... i feel that God wants me on the trip the SMI is taking to uganda this january, from the 11th to the 25th. my application and $500 deposit has to be in to SMI ASAP. the rest of the balance for the trip ($750) has to be in by november 1st. the deposit will be used towards my expenses (airfare, lodging, food, bottled drinking water, etc). i will need to pay for the yellow fever shot and malaria vaccine (both $110 each), since insurance companies don't cover that. i will have the opportunity to see the nile river (yay!) and do some sight-seeing, but the majority of the 12 days in uganda will be spent in an orphanage called hope children's home. some time will be spent in a hospital and some time will be spent in a prison. information about the trip is here: http://www.showmercy.org/2009/08/14/

please keep this in your prayers!! i am going to be doing a mad scramble to get the $500 in to Show Mercy International ASAP to reserve a spot for this trip. i know God will provide the funds, but it's a matter of me trusting Him and having the faith that He'll provide for me. i don't think i've EVER put this much faith in God, so this is quite the test for me!

much love to you all!
ali xoxo

I AM A MERCY GRADUATE!!

MY MERCY RING!! IT TOOK FIVE YEARS OF DETOURS, BUT I FINALLY GOT IT!

GIVING MY TESTIMONY, WHICH I WASN'T NERVOUS ABOUT AT ALL! I HAD TYPED OUT WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY, AND DIDN'T LOOK AT IT BEFORE I WENT UP TO SIT DOWN, OR WHILE I WAS SITTING WAITING TO GIVE MY TESTIMONY!

MY MOM AND I, RIGHT AFTER THE GRADUATION CEREMONY. SHE KEPT TELLING ME HOW PROUD OF ME SHE WAS! IT WAS MAKING ME LAUGH!

THE FORMER PROGRAM MANAGER OF THE MONROE, LOUISIANA MERCY HOME (MARGARET). IT WAS TOTALLY GOD THAT SHE HAPPENED TO BE IN NASHVILLE THE DAY I WAS GRADUATING! IT WAS AWESOME TO SEE HER, AND SHE SAID SOME REALLY ENCOURAGING THINGS TO ME DURING THE GRADUATION THAT MEANT A LOT TO ME.

MARGARET, SHEILA AND ME. SHEILA WAS IN THE MONROE MERCY HOME WITH ME WHEN I WAS THERE IN 2004. SHE AND HER MOM CAME TO MY GRADUATION, AND IT WAS GREAT TO CATCH UP WITH HER!! WE TALKED ABOUT THE OLD TIMES LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY!

ME AND MY PEN PAL SABRINA. I INVITED HER TO MY GRADUATION, AND SHE AND HER HUBBY JEREMY CAME FROM KENTUCKY TO SEE ME GRADUATE! SHE'S JUST AS SWEET IN PERSON AS SHE IS IN HER LETTERS! IT WAS GREAT TO MEET HER!

ME AND ONE OF THE OTHER GRADUATES, JENN. I MET HER IN MARCH, AND SHE'S A SWEETHEART! I CAUGHT HER AS SHE WAS LEAVING, THUS THE REASON FOR HER ARMLOAD FULL OF STUFF. :P
********************************************

my graduation from mercy ministries was incredible. i have never been so touched by anything in my life! God has been so faithful and full of grace, mercy and love. it took me five years to get to this point, but i finally did it! i couldn't have done this without the help of so many amazing people in my life; barb, naomi, gwen, all of my amazing friend, and, most importantly, GOD. without Him, i wouldn't even be here today. i'd have been dead a long time ago...

in my testimony, i mentioned the sexual abuse i endured as a child, and how not telling anyone caused me to self-destruct as a young teenager; bulimia, cutting, and drinking. then i turned to promiscuity and prostitution. i also talked about how i never had a close relationship to my dad growing up, and how whenever i heard God referred to as our "Heavenly Father", i used to cringe. simply because i used to think of the relationship with my own dad. i got kind of choked up when i mentioned what i learned at mercy this past march; how when i am hurting and when i cry, God also hurts and cries. that i learned that i'll never be perfect because only GOD is perfect.

during graduation, after all four of us graduates gave our testimonies, the staff talked to us; as a group and individually. so many of the mercy staff spoke to me. i had to listen to the graduation CD's i was given to get the direct quotes. nancy alcorn, the founder and president of mercy ministries, mentioned my five year detour. she told me that i definitely took a detour, but there i was, at graduation!

AMY, my counselor while i was at mercy in march, prayed over me. she thanked God that, even with my detour, i chose to finish what i started, and that He translated me out of the kingdom of darkness and into His kingdom. she thanked God for removing the cloaks of guilt and shame and for putting a robe of righteousness on me. she said that the lies of the enemy are silenced, and that i have full authority and permission to walk forward into everything that God has ordained for my future. she prayed for favor on my schooling this fall, so that i can fully love and serve God as i minister to people in places of hurt. amy also prayed that the vision never be removed from before me, and that i continue to follow and seek after God all the days of my life. when amy spoke to me, she reminded me that, when i was at mercy in march, i kept telling her that i had a choice; maybe not about what happened to us, but about how we choose to respond and how we live our life after that. she mentioned the woman in Luke 7 (the prostitute) and how she cleaned Jesus' feet with her hair and tears, and then anoints his feet with expensive perfume; everything she had. she had a choice that day: she could have stayed in shame about the decisions she had made, she could have believed that the only life she would ever have would be one of prostitution, but she decided to go before Jesus and let him transform her life. his words to her were, "you're forgiven, now go in peace". amy said that Jesus said the same thing to me. she said that it is finished. she said that he has done all the work, and all i have to do is walk forward. ASHLEY, the program director in nashville, told all four of us graduates, that we've been building a foundation by pouring our hearts out to God and letting Him pour into us. the foundation is set, even though there may be question marks in our future. she said that God knows the answer to the question marks, and we just need to trust Him. she also said God will use the experiences in our past to rebuild our future. CISSY, the executive director of the program, told me that it took a lot of guts and a lot of hard work to deal with and address the issues i went to nashville to address. she said that in my journey, i'm going to face thing that are going to cause us to stumble. no one is perfect. but God has given us the power to choose well. she said our sins are forgiven, and God is slow to anger. cissy said the 4 of us are all called of God, and we're to walk in that calling and not to be passive or fearful in the process. she said the enemy will try to side-track us, but everything we need is inside of us. cissy said that every time we finish something, character is developed. AMBER, the director of transitional care, read HEBREWS 4:14-16 to me. she said that she, amy and cissy were really proud of me; that i've been through a lot in my life, particularly in the last few months, but i've continued to press on, not give up, and face the dark valley i've walked through. amber said that's a witness to the deep character that has been built, but also to the heart i have for God. she told all four of us that Jesus has been tempted in every way we have ever been, so he sympathizes with what we go through. so we can BOLDLY approach the throne of grace. before margaret spoke to me, NANCY spoke and mentioned that margaret was the program director of the monroe home when i was there in 2004. she said it was no accident that margaret was there when i was graduating. nancy said it was totally God who orchestrated it, and i have to agree with her. anyway, she said that i have the gift of encouragement. nancy mentioned her blog and said that she loves getting comments on her blog and she knows that, if no one else reads it, she knows that i do because i'm always leaving comments. that got a laugh from everyone in the room, and i couldn't help but laugh! she also said that i was only at mercy for a week in march, but it's a lot more fun to chase the devil off in a week than in six months! that got a laugh, too! MARGARET then spoke and said that disclosing the sexual abuse while in monroe was a big moment for me, but the aftermath of doing so and not being ready to go where i needed to go resulted in self-sabotage. she said she was so proud of me, and that i am so determined and persistent and an encourager. margaret also said she was so glad that i came back and finished what i started, and that i will accomplish great and mighty things. she also said she can SO see me as a nurse because i give care and i have a tender heart. to all of us, she said we're champions and we will be world-changers!

the entire graduation was too awesome for words!!

Your Grace Still Amazes Me

Your Grace Still Amazes Me - Phillips, Craig & Dean

My faithful Father, enduring Friend
Your tender mercy's like a river with no end
It overwhelms me, covers my sin
Each time I come into Your presence
I stand in wonder once again

CHORUS:
Your grace still amazes me
Your love is still a mystery
Each day I fall on my knees
Your grace still amazes me
'Cause Your grace still amazes me

Oh, patient Saviour, You make me whole
You are the Author and the Healer of my soul
What can I give You, Lord, what can I say
I know there's no way to repay You
Only to offer You my praise

It's deeper, it's wider
It's stronger, it's higher
It's deeper it's wider
It's stronger, it's higher
Than anything my eyes can see

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we had this song playing after my pastor was done preaching last night (it's now saturday morning). and how extremely perfect it was for me.

i did EXTREMELY well for the first month after being home from mercy. no struggles, or negative thoughts, or anything like that. i felt great and i thought, "wow! i can totally do this, and God is so incredibly awesome!"

things have not been easy the past month. and i'm just going to be honest and lay it all out, because there's power in secrets. i celebrated my 31st birthday (no big deal), but i brought some pictures home with me from my mom and dad's house; pictures of myself from childhood that i was going to look through and select from for my mom's Mother's Day gift. that caused a major tail-spin, and things haven't been quite the same ever since. my nightmares started back up and my sleep has been progressively diminishing again. i'm back down to about an hour and a half of sleep a night, IF i get that. a few weeks ago, after an intensely difficult day, i logged back onto a particular site, made an account, looked at some things i shouldn't have while waiting to set something up that i shouldn't have, but deleted the account after about 30 minutes. why, you may ask? because i felt incredibly sick to my stomach and guilty. i know that was God. because i totally would have gone out and sinned more than i already had during that 30 minutes. and early thursday morning, i cut myself. again? hello guilt and shame and self-hate. but i knew what i had to do. i called mercy after the incident a few weeks ago, and i told mercy about the cutting incident. and guess what? i wasn't yelled at. yes, they were concerned, but i was prayed for and they asked if there was anything they could do for me. no condemnation from them, and i was told that they didn't expect perfection from me. because only GOD is perfect. i know that, logically, but to hear it again was helpful.

and speaking of mercy, i have my official graduation date: MAY 21st at 2pm!! despite all my messing up and failures, i'll still be heading to nashville to participate in the graduation ceremony! i still can't believe i've made it this far. God is too awesome, and too gracious, and i sometimes find myself asking Him, "WHY???" why did He give me a second chance with mercy? why did He save my life so many times when I wanted (and tried) to die? why didn't He LET me die?

WHY?!?!?

then i remember jeremiah 29:11, and it all makes sense... it wasn't in His plan. i don't know what IS in His plan for my life, but i just have to trust Him. as hard as that is all the time, i just have to have faith and do it.

Mercy Ministries at Wal-Mart!!!

Hey everyone,

Joel Osteen American Greeting card series has been launched. The first set of cards are for Easter and are being sold in Wal-Mart across America! 100% of the proceeds from these cards go to Mercy Ministries and on the back of every card is the following:

“Joel Osteen Ministries is donating 100% of its proceeds from this card to Mercy Ministries. For 25 years, Mercy Ministries has been restoring hope to desperate young women seeking freedom from life-controlling problems. For information visit www.mercyministries.org.”

HOW COOL IS THIS?!?!?

Mother’s Day and Father’s Day cards will be the next ones to launch, and then later this year will be the Everyday cards available in multiple outlets where American Greetings are sold.

Please go out and buy these cards to not only encourage your friends and family, but also to support Mercy Ministries as well!

Thank you for supporting a ministry that changes lives and GLORIFIES GOD!!

The Genesis of Our Downfall

The Genesis of Our Downfall
by Jordan Rubin

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth, and He populated the earth with green, yellow and red vegetables, fruits of all kinds, seeds and grains, and healthy animals to provide meat and dairy products, all so Man and Woman could live long and healthy lives.

Then Satan created ice cream and glazed doughnuts. And Satan said to Man, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man replied, "Yes!" and Woman said, "As long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." Man and Woman gained ten pounds, and Satan smiled.

So God said, "Try My fresh green salad," and Satan presented bottled dressing, greasy croutons, bacon bits and white rolls on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts.

God then said, "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables, cold-water fish, and cold-pressed oils in which to cook them." But Satan brought forth deep-fried breaded fish, french fries, and hush puppies. So Man and Woman gained more weight, and their cholesterol levels went through the roof.

God then created whole-grain pasts that was thin and delicious, and He called it angel hair, topped it with organic tomato sauce, and declared, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. But Satan gave them satellite TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained another twenty pounds.

God then gave grass-fed beef, rich in iron and zinc and low in fat, so than Man and Woman might consume more minerals and fewer calories and still satisfy their appetites. But Satan created fast-food restaurants and ninety-nine cent double cheeseburgers. Then he said, "You want fries with that?"

"Yes! And supersize them!" Man replied.

Satan said, "It is good," and Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.


From the March publication of Enjoying Everyday Life (Joyce Meyer Ministries magazine).

I took a risk......

i wrote my pastor and barb a note, and i'll be giving it to barb at my counseling session on tuesday afternoon. the note asks if i can share my testimony in front of my church family. i've been going to this church for less than a year (a little over 6 months, really - i started going in early august), but out of all the churches i've been to my entire life, this is the FIRST church where i've felt like i have fit in; where i haven't been judged or talked about or stared at. where i have been loved unconditionally for who i am. none of them, besides barb and pastor steve, naomi, and my nonna and poppy know my entire past. my church family loves me as they see me. and that's an amazing feeling.

do i think that sharing my past and what i've been through and done will change that? it might change how some people view me, but that is a VERY small handful of people, if any. there are a LOT of people at my church with messed up pasts. and if anyone decides they no longer CAN love me, in spite of what i've done, then that just means i'll have to pray for them even harder. it's not going to change how i feel about them. i know i've been forgiven and redeemed, and that's all that matters!

i'll let you all know what my pastor says!!

Something I wrote to a friend last night

march 22, 2009

dear E-

hello! how are you? i hope this finds you well! i'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers! happy spring!

i was talking to G last night, and she said you have an "alone" weekend coming up that you're pretty scared about. i hope you don't mind that she told me. G asked if i'd write you a note, and i said, "sure!", so here it is! :) i'm not sure where it's going to go, or what's going to come out of the pen, but i'll try not to babble! :P i'll try to put into words some of what i went through at mercy, in terms of getting to, and beyond, the point of being broken before God. you kind of have an advantage because you saw how i was when i was staying with G in january. that was me in the stage of wanting to get out of my junk, but being terrified of the unknown. i was scared of what the ali was without the anorexia and bulimia and cutting and all the other labels i've been thrown on me since i was young; labels i embraced because i didn't know who i was. you also kind of know who i am after the amazing week i had at mercy FREE of all those labels. i'm happy and i like that ali without the eating disorder, cutting, etc.

so how did i get there? i'm going to try to explain that as best i can, so bear with me! as G can tell you, about a week and a half before i was supposed to leave for mercy, i called her (or e-mailed her - i can't remember) and said, "i can't go." i was afraid to fail, as i had every other time in my life. i had never finished anything. why did i expect this to be any different? i believe i told G i couldn't do it. G called me and told me i could do it. i remember her praying for me and i said i'd go, because i knew, deep down, i'd physically die if i didn't go.

anyway, on to brokenness. the day before i left for mercy, i told God that this was it. i didn't have anything left, physically OR spiritually. i told Him that He was going to have to help me because there was no way i was going to be able to do this, even with the support of all my friends and family. as much as i loved all of them, that love was not going to be strong enough to pull me through what i was going to go through that week at mercy. I knew that, and i think God knew that. i spilled my guts out to God, sitting on the edge of where my family's dock usually is (at my mom & dad's) on the lake they live on. and for the first time in my life, i actually felt like God heard me. i was broken. there was nothing. i was physically spent and spiritually drained. but for God to fill me with what i would need at mercy, i needed to be spiritually drained. it wasn't a good feeling AT ALL. i'm not going to lie to you. you're going to feel like someone kicked you in the stomach or like you got the wind knocked out of you. it feels awful. but isn't there an old saying about things getting worse before they get better? it's 100% true. my week at mercy was spiritual (and sometimes physical) boot camp. the schedule was tough. i went there during daylight savings weekend, so i lost an hour of sleep to begin with. plus, there was a time zone difference. i think this was to test if i was serious about my healing. and i passed, thankfully, but it wasn't easy. there were times when i didn't want to pray, or read my Bible, or work on my issues. i had to force myself. when i thought i had things dealt with, something else would pop up, or God would "tattle" on me. i very quickly learned to just bring things up, minus the one issue i waited until thursday to deal with that i would have gone home not having dealt with.

it's not fun to be broken. it's painful, but the length of our period of brokenness (in my opinion) depends on us. we can drag our feet through it, or we can say, "God, you know what i need. show me so i can work on it." while it's not Biblical that God won't give us more than we can handle (it's actually a mother teresa quote), it IS Biblical that He won't ever leave us or forsake us. He's always there; always has been and always will be. i struggled with that for a long time, especially surrounding my abuse as a child. but my pastor explained it this way during one of my counseling sessions: man has free will and sin is rampant on the earth. free will allows man to kill and abuse, even when it comes to innocent children. that grieves God deeply, and those who hurt children are punished especially harshly before God. so the man who abused me (and the one who abused you) is going to have to explain himself before God, and i'm glad i'm not them! God was there with me, and with you, when i was being abused. He kept me alive, and look at the testimony He has given me! you'll have one, too!!

anyway, i got through my week at mercy, even though i was broken all week. friday, however, it felt like God breathed on me. i'm not sure how to explain the end result, though. i have a new life, but my past no longer controls or dictates how my future is going to be lived. i don't refer to myself as a slut or a whore anymore. i was one. i used to cut, binge and purge, starve, drink to oblivion, sell my body for money, etc. that's not who i am anymore. i am a conqueror, a survivor, a new creation. while i was at mercy, i recommitted my life back to God. and (G will get a kick out of this) i pray out loud now, too. and even in front of people! i haven't done that since i was a kid. God took that broken area in my life and fixed it.

E, God can take your brokenness and fix it. i'm proof of that! if He did it for me, He'll do it for you! i turned my back on God twice in my life. and i'm talking down-right denied He existed. the first time, from 1998 to 2003, and again from june 2004 to right before i got in contact with G the very first time (approximately december 2007). if there was hope for me, and God still kept me safe (and kept me alive after two SERIOUS suicide attempts and one instance where my heart stopped twice in one evening due to due to the eating disorder in 2004), He's going to pull you through what you're going through!!

i love you, and i'm praying for you! if you need anything, please let me know! i know i'm a "kid", but i care about you a lot, and i hate that you're going through so much!

love & prayers,
ali

-2 timothy 1:7
-micah 7:8
-jeremiah 29:11
-psalm 30:5
-psalm 147:3
-psalm 46:10
-isaiah 41:10
-hebrews 13:5
-james 4:8
-psalm 56:3
-john 14:27
-joshua 1:9
-isaiah 40:28*
-matthew 6:26*

*if God cares this much about stars and birds, think about
how much He cares about YOU, E!!