Something I wrote to a friend last night

march 22, 2009

dear E-

hello! how are you? i hope this finds you well! i'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers! happy spring!

i was talking to G last night, and she said you have an "alone" weekend coming up that you're pretty scared about. i hope you don't mind that she told me. G asked if i'd write you a note, and i said, "sure!", so here it is! :) i'm not sure where it's going to go, or what's going to come out of the pen, but i'll try not to babble! :P i'll try to put into words some of what i went through at mercy, in terms of getting to, and beyond, the point of being broken before God. you kind of have an advantage because you saw how i was when i was staying with G in january. that was me in the stage of wanting to get out of my junk, but being terrified of the unknown. i was scared of what the ali was without the anorexia and bulimia and cutting and all the other labels i've been thrown on me since i was young; labels i embraced because i didn't know who i was. you also kind of know who i am after the amazing week i had at mercy FREE of all those labels. i'm happy and i like that ali without the eating disorder, cutting, etc.

so how did i get there? i'm going to try to explain that as best i can, so bear with me! as G can tell you, about a week and a half before i was supposed to leave for mercy, i called her (or e-mailed her - i can't remember) and said, "i can't go." i was afraid to fail, as i had every other time in my life. i had never finished anything. why did i expect this to be any different? i believe i told G i couldn't do it. G called me and told me i could do it. i remember her praying for me and i said i'd go, because i knew, deep down, i'd physically die if i didn't go.

anyway, on to brokenness. the day before i left for mercy, i told God that this was it. i didn't have anything left, physically OR spiritually. i told Him that He was going to have to help me because there was no way i was going to be able to do this, even with the support of all my friends and family. as much as i loved all of them, that love was not going to be strong enough to pull me through what i was going to go through that week at mercy. I knew that, and i think God knew that. i spilled my guts out to God, sitting on the edge of where my family's dock usually is (at my mom & dad's) on the lake they live on. and for the first time in my life, i actually felt like God heard me. i was broken. there was nothing. i was physically spent and spiritually drained. but for God to fill me with what i would need at mercy, i needed to be spiritually drained. it wasn't a good feeling AT ALL. i'm not going to lie to you. you're going to feel like someone kicked you in the stomach or like you got the wind knocked out of you. it feels awful. but isn't there an old saying about things getting worse before they get better? it's 100% true. my week at mercy was spiritual (and sometimes physical) boot camp. the schedule was tough. i went there during daylight savings weekend, so i lost an hour of sleep to begin with. plus, there was a time zone difference. i think this was to test if i was serious about my healing. and i passed, thankfully, but it wasn't easy. there were times when i didn't want to pray, or read my Bible, or work on my issues. i had to force myself. when i thought i had things dealt with, something else would pop up, or God would "tattle" on me. i very quickly learned to just bring things up, minus the one issue i waited until thursday to deal with that i would have gone home not having dealt with.

it's not fun to be broken. it's painful, but the length of our period of brokenness (in my opinion) depends on us. we can drag our feet through it, or we can say, "God, you know what i need. show me so i can work on it." while it's not Biblical that God won't give us more than we can handle (it's actually a mother teresa quote), it IS Biblical that He won't ever leave us or forsake us. He's always there; always has been and always will be. i struggled with that for a long time, especially surrounding my abuse as a child. but my pastor explained it this way during one of my counseling sessions: man has free will and sin is rampant on the earth. free will allows man to kill and abuse, even when it comes to innocent children. that grieves God deeply, and those who hurt children are punished especially harshly before God. so the man who abused me (and the one who abused you) is going to have to explain himself before God, and i'm glad i'm not them! God was there with me, and with you, when i was being abused. He kept me alive, and look at the testimony He has given me! you'll have one, too!!

anyway, i got through my week at mercy, even though i was broken all week. friday, however, it felt like God breathed on me. i'm not sure how to explain the end result, though. i have a new life, but my past no longer controls or dictates how my future is going to be lived. i don't refer to myself as a slut or a whore anymore. i was one. i used to cut, binge and purge, starve, drink to oblivion, sell my body for money, etc. that's not who i am anymore. i am a conqueror, a survivor, a new creation. while i was at mercy, i recommitted my life back to God. and (G will get a kick out of this) i pray out loud now, too. and even in front of people! i haven't done that since i was a kid. God took that broken area in my life and fixed it.

E, God can take your brokenness and fix it. i'm proof of that! if He did it for me, He'll do it for you! i turned my back on God twice in my life. and i'm talking down-right denied He existed. the first time, from 1998 to 2003, and again from june 2004 to right before i got in contact with G the very first time (approximately december 2007). if there was hope for me, and God still kept me safe (and kept me alive after two SERIOUS suicide attempts and one instance where my heart stopped twice in one evening due to due to the eating disorder in 2004), He's going to pull you through what you're going through!!

i love you, and i'm praying for you! if you need anything, please let me know! i know i'm a "kid", but i care about you a lot, and i hate that you're going through so much!

love & prayers,
ali

-2 timothy 1:7
-micah 7:8
-jeremiah 29:11
-psalm 30:5
-psalm 147:3
-psalm 46:10
-isaiah 41:10
-hebrews 13:5
-james 4:8
-psalm 56:3
-john 14:27
-joshua 1:9
-isaiah 40:28*
-matthew 6:26*

*if God cares this much about stars and birds, think about
how much He cares about YOU, E!!