New Life!!

i got back from nashville late friday night, and it was the most amazing experience of my life! i have been asked often how my week went, and i VERY often am speechless, or i cry. God is just TOO awesome for words. i'm just going to type out my diary entries, since they have the emotions and everything else.
**some mention of sexual stuff**




MARCH 11, 2009
the past few days have been SO draining! yesterday, i told amy (my counselor here at mercy) what happened to me as a little girl. i tried to be as vague as possible because i was physically sick (nauseous) talking about it, but it really wasn't possible to be very vague... i told her about the first time i was promiscuous. it was hard to talk about both of them, but i'd never talk in any detail about the promiscuity, so that was hard. i couldn't have looked at her if i had wanted to. tuesday left me feeling extremely sick to my stomach and i cried in front of amy. i've never cried in front of a stranger. i'd known her less than an hour, and i "allowed" myself to cry. they were controlled tears, but the fact that i let myself cry in front of someone i had just met was a huge thing for me.

yesterday was REALLY tough... amy and i talked about renewing my mind, and we went through my list of checked off boxes. at one point, i started crying, and she said she could tell i was really holding back the tears. all i could do was nod my head. she asked me if she could sit on the couch next to me, and i nodded again. i did NOT trust my voice. amy asked me if she could rub my back, which was okay with me, so she started rubbing my back, and had me repeat after her: "my name is ali and i am 30 years old. i am safe and can not be hurt by my past anymore. i give myself permission to feel." i couldn't finish the "to feel" part the first time around, but was able to on the second try. i started to cry, and amy put her hands around me, pulled me to her, and i started crying harder. i put my right hand over her arm and rested my head on it. i finally let out a "belly cry," as amy calls them, and she kept whispering in my ear that i was okay. she had to keep reminding me to breathe. i'd take a big breath and keep crying. i eventually stopped crying, and guess what? it didn't kill me!!

today was hard, too. i met with amber (transitional care) this morning for a few hours, and we made a plan for when i get home. i'm going to actively pursue a job and get my resume out there. i don't want to be on disability anymore. it's keeping me stuck in my issues. right before we ended, she came right out and asked me if i had an issue with lust. my head whipped up real fast. i had told amy about the promiscuity, but not about anything else having to do with it. so i told amber about the "adult" websites and how i had posted some pictures and that there are sexual videos of me that aren't in my possession, but that i have no clue where they are. i don't know who physically has them. i also told her that i have taken money for sex on many, many occasions. amber said, "prostitution?" so i said, "not your 'standing on the street corner' prostitution, but yes." i had a hard time looking at her when i was done telling her all of this, but she said the Spirit had been bringing it up to her. it was something i needed to deal with, but was too ashamed to talk about. if amber hadn't brought it up, i would have gone home without having dealt with it, and i'd still be having problems with it down the road. i was mortified, humiliated, and sick to my stomach yet again. i cried, and amber prayed for me before i left her office.

this afternoon, two nashville graduates from a few years ago came and talked for a little bit. one of them said something about needing to give up complete control of her life. i was sitting on the floor, and amy was standing near me. i was looking at the floor the entire time, but i could see her looking at me out of the corner of my eye. when i had my session, she said she could tell i was avoiding her eye contact, and figured that i had either done something or had something to hide. amy asked me if she was right, and i nodded. she asked me how things went with amber, and i said, "rough." i explained that i had told amber something i should have brought up with amy from day one, but couldn't. i've known amy for a few days now, and it was hard for me to tell her. i'd known amber less than 3 hours, and i was able to tell her everything. i know i was afraid that amy was going to judge me. in my heart, i knew she wouldn't, but i couldn't make my brain believe it. amy was sitting next to me on the couch, and i asked her to hold my hand. she did, and i told her everything. i told her that i'd do anything to get those pornographic videos back. i felt so... dirty and nauseous after telling this to amy. she asked me to close my eyes and ask God what HE thought of me. i couldn't do it. amy asked me why i came to nashville, i told her, in tears, "because i don't want to live this way anymore." she looked at me, smiled and said, "then you need to make a decision." so i closed me eyes and asked God. He told me it wasn't my fault, that He loves me, and then i saw a picture. in the picture, i was curled up, naked, in God's palm. when i looked, it was raining. when i looked up at God, i saw that it wasn't rain, but it was His tears. HE WAS CRYING. God told me that when i hurt and when i cry, He also hurts and cries. i cried some more. at the end of the session, amy had me get out my "Lord, i forgive myself for..." list i worked on. i had to read it out loud! had i known that ahead of time, a few things wouldn't have gone on the list. i told that to amy, and she said she didn't tell me i'd be reading it out loud for that very reason. she wanted me to be as brutally honest as possible. i asked her if i could have her garbage can because i felt that sick about having to read it out loud. i didn't puke, but came close to it a few times. as i read every, single thing off the list, amy hugged me, and when i was done, i ripped the list into little pieces and threw it away.


MARCH 13, 2009 9:55am
i can't believe that today is my last day in nashville! the week has gone by SO fast! i got so much out of this week, and i feel like an entirely different person. i now know it's okay for me to get angry with God, and i can tell Him i'm angry with Him! He won't strike me with lightning! i now know it's okay to slip and to stumble, but i have to get back up. my past is not who i am, and what i've gone through (whether i had control over it or not) will help someone someday. God will take what i have used to destroy myself in the past, and He will use it to bring glory to Himself.

1:20pm
I'M GRADUATING IN MAY!!! as in, getting a certificate and a mercy ring!! i met with cissy before lunch, and we went over my generational patterns. they have been bound and they end with me. yes, the enemy is going to try to tempt me to open the door to all of those things, but the door has been shut, and i REFUSE to open them again! i am going to walk this out, and i am not going to give in to the enemy! he has lied to me for too long, and i have given him free-reign over my life for far long than he deserved! it's no longer an option for him. i signed the eviction notice, and God is now in control!

when cissy told me i was graduating in may, i started crying. this means SO much to me! it's about more than the ring. it's the fact that i've completed something besides high school, and i completed something VERY difficult... not only that, i relied on God to do it! i gave up control and allowed myself to cry and grieve in front of complete strangers who have become amazing friends and mentors. i was honest about things i was called out on, even when i was embarrassed and ashamed and physically sickened by it. i learned that it's okay to be honest, even when it's horribly painful. i allowed myself to be incredibly vulnerable and broken. i allowed God to fix that brokenness in a way that only HE can.

i'm eternally grateful for everything that everyone in nashville has done for me this week. i know that God opened this door, and i'm so glad that i took the step of faith off the mountain and trusted that He would catch me. i don't know what God has in store for me, but everyone keeps telling me it's something awesome. i was so blessed this week, despite being emotionally and physically exhausted. IT WAS WORTH IT! i don't regret the pain of this week. i don't regret the exhaustion, or heartache, or tears, or headaches. i don't regret a single bit of it! my freedom is worth it! God has done so many miraculous things this week. i wasn't sure i could do it, and i had my doubts. but i dove right in and finished what i started, and accomplished what needed to be done. and i survived, too!

God just amazes me. i never thought i'd have the chance to graduate from mercy, and God totally made that happen. my biggest regret has been not finishing mercy back in 2004. i carried that around with me for FIVE years. and i let it go today. i'm sad to leave today, but i came, i worked, and i conquered with God's help!!

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here it is, early monday morning (march 16th), and i am still feeling really good! my family has noticed a huge difference in me, and i can't wait to be able to see people from my church! if you got this far, you're awesome for reading this!!