Your Grace Still Amazes Me

Your Grace Still Amazes Me - Phillips, Craig & Dean

My faithful Father, enduring Friend
Your tender mercy's like a river with no end
It overwhelms me, covers my sin
Each time I come into Your presence
I stand in wonder once again

CHORUS:
Your grace still amazes me
Your love is still a mystery
Each day I fall on my knees
Your grace still amazes me
'Cause Your grace still amazes me

Oh, patient Saviour, You make me whole
You are the Author and the Healer of my soul
What can I give You, Lord, what can I say
I know there's no way to repay You
Only to offer You my praise

It's deeper, it's wider
It's stronger, it's higher
It's deeper it's wider
It's stronger, it's higher
Than anything my eyes can see

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we had this song playing after my pastor was done preaching last night (it's now saturday morning). and how extremely perfect it was for me.

i did EXTREMELY well for the first month after being home from mercy. no struggles, or negative thoughts, or anything like that. i felt great and i thought, "wow! i can totally do this, and God is so incredibly awesome!"

things have not been easy the past month. and i'm just going to be honest and lay it all out, because there's power in secrets. i celebrated my 31st birthday (no big deal), but i brought some pictures home with me from my mom and dad's house; pictures of myself from childhood that i was going to look through and select from for my mom's Mother's Day gift. that caused a major tail-spin, and things haven't been quite the same ever since. my nightmares started back up and my sleep has been progressively diminishing again. i'm back down to about an hour and a half of sleep a night, IF i get that. a few weeks ago, after an intensely difficult day, i logged back onto a particular site, made an account, looked at some things i shouldn't have while waiting to set something up that i shouldn't have, but deleted the account after about 30 minutes. why, you may ask? because i felt incredibly sick to my stomach and guilty. i know that was God. because i totally would have gone out and sinned more than i already had during that 30 minutes. and early thursday morning, i cut myself. again? hello guilt and shame and self-hate. but i knew what i had to do. i called mercy after the incident a few weeks ago, and i told mercy about the cutting incident. and guess what? i wasn't yelled at. yes, they were concerned, but i was prayed for and they asked if there was anything they could do for me. no condemnation from them, and i was told that they didn't expect perfection from me. because only GOD is perfect. i know that, logically, but to hear it again was helpful.

and speaking of mercy, i have my official graduation date: MAY 21st at 2pm!! despite all my messing up and failures, i'll still be heading to nashville to participate in the graduation ceremony! i still can't believe i've made it this far. God is too awesome, and too gracious, and i sometimes find myself asking Him, "WHY???" why did He give me a second chance with mercy? why did He save my life so many times when I wanted (and tried) to die? why didn't He LET me die?

WHY?!?!?

then i remember jeremiah 29:11, and it all makes sense... it wasn't in His plan. i don't know what IS in His plan for my life, but i just have to trust Him. as hard as that is all the time, i just have to have faith and do it.