this was an assignment from my pastor a few months ago, but i've added to it recently...
i want to be okay with the woman i see when i look in the mirror. i want to believe that she is as beautiful and as stunning as everyone else says she is. i want to see that woman through the eyes of God. i don't want to hate the round face and chubby cheeks i've had since i was born, or the upper lip that does the half curl thing when i smile.i want to be able to get on the scale and see the flashing red number and see just that; a flashing red number. i don't want to see a number that will dictate my worth and value, or a number that will determine what kind of day i will have, or a number that will will cause me to cry for an hour. i want to be able to turn off my light and go to sleep at night without having nightmares reliving my childhood abuse. i want to look into my eyes when looking into the mirror and see LIFE; not dullness and vacancy and pain and emptiness. i want to make a difference in the life of one person. i want to appreciate every sunrise and sunset, never taking a single one for granted. i want to be who i am destined and ordained to be. i want to dig up my buried childhood dreams. i want to dust them off, wash them off, hold them tight, and live them; and live them long enough to see them come to pass. i want to make someone proud of me. I want to be proud of myself. i want to stop hurting myself, and make that pattern of hurting end with my generation. i want to be okay with being alone with myself. i want to learn about myself; who ali is, what ali likes and dislikes, and all of the other things that children learn about themselves that i never learned. i want to live life to the fullest, never taking a single breath for granted. i want to finish the book i started writing. i want to publish my poetry. i want to start, and FINISH, nursing school this fall, and not quit because my grades aren't "perfect," or because i may struggle with a class or two, or because i'm human. i want to get married to a GODLY man who will love me unconditionally, despite my past and IN spite of what i have done to my body, physically, to deal with the pain of my past. i want to know and believe in my HEART, not just in my head, that God REALLY loves me. and i want to feel it. i want to heal. i want to move on. i want to be okay. i want to be ali again; flaws, imperfections, idiosyncrasies and all. and i want to be okay with who ali is. to accept that God made her the way she is, and loves her for who she is.
Hi Ali,
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing to read the two blogs you've posted. You recognize and are finally willing to face the "dead body" you've dragged around. To finally get to the root of your past is like getting to the center of an onion, and each layer shed was thousands of tears.
I hope that you do cry a lot, you need to. You need to cleanse yourself of those memories/demons/anger/self-hatred that you've carried.
This catharsis will hopefully be a chance to leave all that behind wrapped up as the past, and not connected to your future. I see your pictures, comments, etc. and find you an incredible young woman. So, you've made poor choices, that is in the past. The past can show you the poor decisions/actions, etc., but the past does not dictate future choices. Only YOU do.
You WILL be an incredible nurse. You are a natural at care/compassion/nurture. You can empathize with someones pain/illness. Your gifts will be of tremendous benefit on that path of helping others heal.
Don't forget, those of us who see the wonderful woman God has brought into our lives are not lying. We see you - and we pray every day that you will see the YOU that we love and care for.
Thank you for including me in your life, I feel privileged to have met you.