In His Arms

i have always wondered what it feels like to be held tightly in the arms of God. i was saved when i was seven years old, and since then, i have always heard in my sunday school classes (and later on in numerous sermons over many years) how God always holds us and keeps us safe. but i'll be honest with you... i don't think i've ever experienced that. it's not because God hasn't wanted to; but because i haven't let Him...

"why?", you may ask. a lot of that centers around the anger i have towards God. and some of it is plain, old fear. FEAR! God is always portrayed as a father figure. "the Heavenly Father." i see God the same way i see my earthly father, though... as a child, my father and i didn't get along. he yelled a lot, he had a temper, and we didn't talk a lot. i never went to him when i was hurt, or upset, or afraid. he didn't allow me to show my emotions. i've always viewed God as being the same way. logically, i know that God isn't like that. i know that God is loving and kind and patient. i know that He cares for me, and that He loves me with an unconditional, perfect love that casts out fear. but whenever i hear someone refer to God as my father, i can't help but think about my own father... i need to re-train my thought process.

i want SO DESPERATELY to crawl into Abba's lap and let Him hold me. i want to cry on His shoulders and hear Him say that everything will be okay. i want Him to hold me so tightly that nothing else in the world matters. i want child-like faith. i want to believe that nothing will harm me because i am safe in His arms. i want to sit in His lap, gaze up at His face, and see Him smile at me. i picked out the two pictures for this post because they both look a little like me as a little girl. the little girl on the left looks like she is SO content with her head on God's shoulder. she looks at ease; comfortable and safe and peaceful. God looks like He's holding her tightly to Him. the little girl on the right is being held so lovingly by God. He is smiling down at her, and she is smiling up at Him. He has His arms wrapped around her, and He's holding her tightly to Him. the little girl looks SO happy. the two pictures portray two entirely different emotional states, but are equally powerful. i want to be the little girl in both of these pictures. by the end of the week of counseling i'm going to be facing, i'm PRAYING that i will feel God's presence like this, and that i will have dealt with my anger issues with God. i want to crawl into God's lap and feel safe...