A Second Chance

i won't go into a lot of detail right now, and those of you who DO know the details, please don't mention the details here in your comments until i clear it with the appropriate people/persons first. i'll let you know when it's "safe."

i received an offer last week that blew my mind. it came from someone "high up" in a program i was in a few years ago. i had sent this person an e-mail, letting them know my current struggles, and i honestly had not expected to hear back from this person. my attitude was, "well, if i do, great. if not, i hadn't expected to anyway." this person sent me a reply, and i had to re-read it a bunch of time. it made me cry, and i've been doing a lot of crying over the last month or so. the first paragraph was full of compassion and ZERO condemnation. the second paragraph included an offer to go back to the program for 1-2 weeks to do a "fast-track" program of sorts. basically, when i was in the program the first time, i disclosed something that i wasn't entirely ready to deal with, something that was incredibly painful and that i had held inside me for 22 years, and i went home. i had told no one what i disclosed in this program. my family didn't even know. years later, this person recognizes my maturity and willingness to deal with it now. i have accepted the offer, and am now waiting for the details.

i have been given a second chance at life and healing from my past! i have the opportunity to put the root issue of all of my issues out on the table, with the help of amazing, caring and supportive staff, and turn it over to God. i'm tired of carrying it around. it has been my "dead body," so to speak. i have been dragging this thing behind me for more than half my life, and not dealing with this root issue has, in turn, caused me to pick up other issues, which has caused this awful domino effect. one thing has led to another, which has led to another... not dealing with this root issue caused intense self-hatred, which led to the development of an eating disorder, and that wasn't enough, so that turned to self-mutilation and other forms of self-harm. that wasn't enough to quiet the voices telling me i wasn't good enough, so i tried to drown them in alcohol. i spent the month of december before my 21st birthday in rehab for alcohol abuse. when the alcohol wasn't enough, i tried to permanently quiet them with four suicide attempts. obviously, they weren't successful, and God wasn't done with me. i've messed around with men i've met through "adult" internet sites. i'm not proud of that, but i was hurting, and i did what i knew how to do; cope through hurting myself. i haven't done that since the beginning of october. that, in itself, is a miracle. God is awesome, and i stopped "cold-turkey."

i'll even admit that i've been angry at God, and i'll probably need to address this during my "fast-track" counseling with this program. i've told God that i was angry with Him before, but only to say, "hey, God. i'm angry with you." that's as far as it has gotten. i know it goes SO much deeper than that... i know that this 1-2 weeks of intense counseling is NOT going to be easy. in fact, it's probably going to be the most difficult thing i've EVER done. am i scared? yes. but i know that the hardest things in life are the things that are worth doing. i am prepared for this. i know, going into it, that it's going to be hard, and that it's going to hurt, and that i am probably going to do a LOT of crying. actually, change the "probably" to a "WILL." i WILL be doing a lot of crying. i'm probably going to feel like a wet dishrag by the end of each day. but the end result will be SO worth the pain and the tears and the vulnerability. because it HAS to be better than the life i've been living for the last almost 23 years...

and i know that God won't let me down. He wants my freedom as much as i do... because He cares too much to see me hurting...