Beautiful

beautiful girl-

i can read you, and it makes me really sad. mainly because i see a LOT of you in myself. i've never told you anything about my past. but i can read you, and it makes me cry. some of the things you say make me think, "is she inside of my head?" i, too, hide my hurt and my pain and my insecurities.

you carry yourself so well, and to others, your hurt and your pain are hidden. but i can see them. because i carry the same hurt, and the same pain. i wish i could hold you tight and take away ALL of that hurt and pain, and everything that you're so afraid of. because i would do it in an instant. because i can see the way it drags you down and causes you to stumble. because it keeps you bound, imprisoned and caught in a lie. it keeps you from living the life that He wants you to live; a life you deserve. a life you are SO worthy of.

like you, i am very self-conscious. it's not just about my weight. i'm self-conscious about EVERYTHING; the way i look, the way i talk, the way i smile, etc. i know a LOT of the women feel that way... it's not just you, although you feel like it is. YOU are not alone in feeling this way. i'm not sure where we get it from, but something must have happened to us to make us feel uncomfortable in our skin... a comment by someone, a look, a magazine ad or television commercial that said we weren't "this" body type or "that" height... i don't know what. but you are BEAUTIFUL.

i, too, am afraid of failing miserably at life. part of me feels i already HAVE failed. i have wasted more than three-quarters of my life listening to the lies that were whispered in my ear when i wanted to try something new. when i wanted to be more than what i was. when i wanted to live. the lies that said, "you'll never be able to do it." "you're never going to amount to anything." "you're always going to be like this." "you're going to fail, so don't bother even trying." i wasted three-quarters of my life listening to the voices that screamed, "where was God when you needed Him?" and "if He loved you, this wouldn't have happened."

i know what the loudest voice is saying... it says, "if God loved you, He wouldn't have left you when you needed Him the most." and you are bombarded with images of yourself as a tiny girl, innocent and fragile, trusting and free. but those images are shattered. i know they are. because mine are, too.

i'm sorry for all that you've gone through. i grieve for myself, as well. but you can stop listening to those lies and voices that plague you. they aren't true. i promise. it has taken me a long time to learn that, and i'm hoping it doesn't take you as long.

i love you,
ali