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Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
Another Update
I'm going to try to update more often. Too many months are going by between updates. I should probably use this more like a journal...
So. After my last update, within a few days, I ended up in the ER. This part may be TMI, so if you're squeamish, you may not want to read this section. I had started having diarrhea on Valentine's Day and by February 26th, I knew I was dehydrated, despite trying my best to keep hydrated. I was also having upper quadrant stomach pains. I had called my family doctor that afternoon and he said that the diarrhea needed to be treated at the ER, because if I needed further testing, they could provide it. I was there from 3pm until 8:15 the following morning. I ended up having to get 3 liters of IV fluids because I was dehydrated. My electrolytes were off, so I went home with scripts for those, and took pills while in the ER. I had to make an appointment with my GI doctor and I went home exhausted and VERY angry because the ER doctor did no tests, other than labwork, due to my history of the eating disorder. He said he suspected I was abusing laxatives and didn't want to waste time doing tests if they were going to come back negative to begin with. I asked to see another doctor, and he said the ER was full and that wasn't a possibility. So I sent a very strongly worded letter to the hospital administration. The ER gave me a list of foods/things to avoid for the diarrhea, and I hadn't had that stuff to eat/drink in a looong time, so that was less than helpful. I broke down in tears signing the discharge paperwork because I asked the nurse what I was supposed to do. She told me there wasn't anything they could do. I felt stupid. But having diarrhea for that long was excessive and I felt like crap (no pun intended), and I was told NOT to take an anti-diarrheal medication because my system was so out of whack, and that could swing things the OTHER way to the extreme. I didn't want that, either. When I saw my GI doc, she ordered an ultrsound of my entire abdomen. It took about 45 minutes, and I got to watch, which was pretty cool. I've had belly ultrasounds before, but was never able to see the screen. This tech let me see and it was awesome. Especially since I got to see my heart beating and I was just like, "Wow, God! The body and how it works is SO COOL!" I couldn't stop staring at the screen. My GI doc called the next day and said I had an appointment with a General Surgeon on March 11th. She said my gall bladder was full of gall stones, which could explain the diarrhea and would definitely explain the stomach pain. My GI doc didn't want to leave my gall bladder in, as I have a family history of gall stones. I've never had a problem with them before now, but with the way my ultrasound looked, my GI doc didn't want to take any chances, but she wanted me to see the surgeon to get his opinion. My surgery date was April 4th. The surgery was done laproscopically. My surgeon said the gall stones took up about 3/4 of my gall bladder and that my gall bladder was covered with adhesions. My Rabbi's wife, Barb, took me to the surgery (I was up at 3:45am to leave my house at 4:30am, to be to her house by 5:15am, to be to the hospital by 6am, to be in surgery by 7am...) and I stayed with them overnight, since I wasn't allowed to stay alone. They have been such a God-send in my life! I had an appointment with my surgeon on April 22nd. I half-caught my niece when she started to fall out of my parents' screen door a week or so prior to the appoitment. Something 'popped' on my right side, near my belly-button. He pressed on my stomach and definitely felt something there. He ruled out an infection pocket because I told him I haven't felt sick; no fever, chills, etc. I told him I felt it wasn't an infection, either. So that's not an issue. He wanted to see me again on May 13th, thinking might correct itself. The appointment on the 13th was a disaster and I walked out in tears. I called his office about a week later and told his nurse I wanted a second opinion with a surgeon not affiliated with the hospital where I had the surgery. I told her that my surgery was well over a month ago, I was still in a lot of pain, and I felt my surgeon was brushing me off. Apparently that got my surgeon's attention. I've had a few more tests and have another appointment soon.
On May 14th, I got arrested for driving with a suspended license in this small village I grew up in. HOWEVER, according to the DMV, my license was NOT suspended. So I was falsely arrested and when I went to court, the court-appointed attorney and judge wouldn't even look at the paperwork clearing the arrest. The judge waved me off, and the attorney told me it wasn't important. Barb was with me at my June 1st court appearance, and she was almost as upset as I was! Here's what happened: I was driving through Altamont, NY (tiny village my mom grew up in and my family lived in for a while) to church that Saturday morning, and got pulled over. I gave the cop my license and registration, and he asked me if I knew why he pulled me over. I told him I knew my inspection was past due. He said, "Yes, that's correct, but I pulled you over for talking on your cell phone." I wasn't on my cell phone. My cell phone was in my bag, and my bag was on the floor on the passenger side. And my radio isn't working, so I wasn't singing. So my mouth wasn't even moving. Where he got that I was talking on my phone is beyond me. And my blue tooth was at home, still charging. Trust me, if I had been talking on my phone, I would have admitted to it. So the cop went back to his car (I ended up pulling into the police station parking lot because there are NO shoulders to pull off onto in Altamont) with my information and sat there for about 5 minutes. All I thought was, "Go figure that this tiny village still hand-writes their tickets!" He came back to my car and said, "We have a problem. Your license is suspended." I told him it wasn't and gave him the ONE form I got from one of the courts where my suspension was taken care of (Amsterdam, NY). The top of the suspension form says you only have to keep the form on your person for 6 months. This one was from November of last year. He said that I had two suspensions from Glenville, NY. I told him that I took the forms out of my bag the prior weekend because they were from JUNE of LAST YEAR, and I was only required to keep the forms on me until December of last year. He said that I must have gotten two other tickets in Glenville after I took care of those two suspensions. Actually, I've only gotten pulled over ONCE in Glenville, and that was the time I got the two tickets on the same day, at the same time, and they were taken care of at the same time. So NO, I didn't get two other tickets. So then the cop said that maybe someone borrowed my car or used my license. Also not possible. I was the only one with a set of keys to that car. As for my license, I'm the tallest one of my sisters, and none of them look THAT much like me. The cop asked me to get out of my car and placed me under arrest. I drive a '94 Olds Bravada that has doors that weigh more than I do, I'm willing to bet, LOL. So you have to give them some force to shut them. I slammed my car door, and the cop accused me of giving him attitude and told me he'd make my life miserable if I didn't knock it off. He walked me into the police station and said I couldn't go until he did paperwork and I posted bail. I had to give him all the cash I had on me (thankfully I had enough), and I had to sit through an hour of paperwork. My car was towed to the garage next to the police station (it cost me triple digits for the car to be towed 100 feet, plus the impound fees), plus the tickets I got that day, if the judge decides not to look at the paperwork again when I go back to court on July 6th. I'm going to try to get Altamont to pay the towing/impound for my car because I was falsely arrested! My parents agreed, as do Rabbi Steve & Barb, and I've already talked to some lawyers. And I'm going to ask my chiropractor's dad what he thinks. He's a lawyer and could possibly take my case and sue the town and police department. The abstract copy of my license, which I got with Barb earlier this month, says my license is valid and that the suspensions were taken care of on July 6th of last year.
THEN, I spent the Saturday evening I was arrested until about 5pm the following Monday house/dog-sitting at Rabbi Steve and Barb's. Their dog, Pushkie, hadn't been doing so well for a while. She'd not eat for a few days, and then feel better, and go back to not eating, and so on. Pushkie was getting old. She was 14. Barb texted me Sunday morning, asking how Pup (a.k.a Pushkie) was doing, since she hadn't eaten since Friday. She didn't eat much of Saturday's dinner. I let Barb know that, and she texted me that if anything changed, to let her know. The last time I watched Pup, Barb let me know that when they were taking her out to pee/poop, she and Rabbi Steve had been carrying her up and down the back steps because it was getting hard for her to get up and down them herself. No problem. I knew something wasn't right Sunday night when I let her out the last time before I went to bed (at 3am) and Pup peed and just flopped down into it. I debated sleeping on the couch, in case I couldn't hear Pup upstairs, but I decided to sleep upstairs because my back already hurt. So I made sure Pup was comfortable and went up to bed. I got up Monday morning around 9am. My contacts were in the downstairs bathroom, so I went down to put them in. As I came around the corner to go into the bathroom, I tripped over something hard, fell, and looked at what I tripped on. It was Pup, and I did a backwards-crawl thing into the wall and started screaming and crying. I couldn't stop crying, and around 11am, I put my contacts in, texted Barb and asked her to call me or text me, because I was so sorry, but Pup had died and I didn't know what to do with her. Barb texted me back, and asked where she was, and if I could find a box to put her in. She was a pomeranian (not a yappy one!), so that wasn't hard to find. Barb texted me again, and said that if I couldn't put her in the box, that Rabbi Steve could do it when they got home that night. I was torn. I didn't want to traumatize them by making them have to do that, yet I was freaking out and also traumatized. I told Barb I'd try. I found a box. I started crying again, and tried for two hours to put Pup in the box. I had Barb's rubber gloves for doing dishes on my hands, and I finally made myself just do it. I started hyperventilating because when Pup died, she wasn't on her side; she was flat on her belly, with her legs out to the sides. So to get her into the box, I had to force her legs in and her body was already stiff. The whole situation was awful, and Barb and Rabbi Steve's hardwood floor was a mess. I texted Barb and let her know I took care of Pup, and she thanked me for taking such good care of her, and for loving her like they did. She texted me again when they got home and said they laid her to rest in their backyard. I was really upset for about a week, and felt guilty; like I didn't do a good enough job taking care of Pup. But Barb told me not to think like that.
BUT... God has a master plan in all of this. I don't know what it is, but I have faith that He'll use everything I've been through over the past three and a half months for His glory. I don't know how He's going to do that, but that's not up to me to figure out! I'm not the one in charge! And I'm thankful for that. When I try to take charge, I always mess it up...
Me with my youngest sister Karrie's kids; Gavin and Teagan. Gavin wanted to give me a kiss, and Karrie caught it. I think this picture is too sweet. Gavin finished kindergarten a few days ago. He goes to a Christian school, and he is one of the sweetest, most sensitive little boys I know. He can be a handful, but what 6-year-old isn't? He loves his family, and he loves to spend time with us. He loves music (he's a wicked drummer) and to draw. Gavin is just an amazing little guy. Teagan is my twin. She looks just like I did when I was little. She loves kitties and the 'Olivia the Pig' cartoon. It's ironic, because I collect Olivia stuff. :) Teagan is a diva, but she an adorable diva. She will go to anyone, and gives the best hugs. If you just say 'Hi' to her, she breaks out into a whole-face grin. Teagan loves to be tickled. And she loves her big bruzzer Gavin.
Me with my little Skibble, my sister Megan's little guy. He's a ham. He's a tough guy, but he loves to give hugs. He loves giraffes, Matchbox cars and watching Mommy mow the lawn through the picture window in the living room; especially if Aunt Ali knocks on the window to get Mommy's attention and she waves to him. Skibble loves bubbles and walking around the front lawn barefoot. Both at the same time is the best! His newest love is Pirate Booty 'popcorn'!
Until next time!
So. After my last update, within a few days, I ended up in the ER. This part may be TMI, so if you're squeamish, you may not want to read this section. I had started having diarrhea on Valentine's Day and by February 26th, I knew I was dehydrated, despite trying my best to keep hydrated. I was also having upper quadrant stomach pains. I had called my family doctor that afternoon and he said that the diarrhea needed to be treated at the ER, because if I needed further testing, they could provide it. I was there from 3pm until 8:15 the following morning. I ended up having to get 3 liters of IV fluids because I was dehydrated. My electrolytes were off, so I went home with scripts for those, and took pills while in the ER. I had to make an appointment with my GI doctor and I went home exhausted and VERY angry because the ER doctor did no tests, other than labwork, due to my history of the eating disorder. He said he suspected I was abusing laxatives and didn't want to waste time doing tests if they were going to come back negative to begin with. I asked to see another doctor, and he said the ER was full and that wasn't a possibility. So I sent a very strongly worded letter to the hospital administration. The ER gave me a list of foods/things to avoid for the diarrhea, and I hadn't had that stuff to eat/drink in a looong time, so that was less than helpful. I broke down in tears signing the discharge paperwork because I asked the nurse what I was supposed to do. She told me there wasn't anything they could do. I felt stupid. But having diarrhea for that long was excessive and I felt like crap (no pun intended), and I was told NOT to take an anti-diarrheal medication because my system was so out of whack, and that could swing things the OTHER way to the extreme. I didn't want that, either. When I saw my GI doc, she ordered an ultrsound of my entire abdomen. It took about 45 minutes, and I got to watch, which was pretty cool. I've had belly ultrasounds before, but was never able to see the screen. This tech let me see and it was awesome. Especially since I got to see my heart beating and I was just like, "Wow, God! The body and how it works is SO COOL!" I couldn't stop staring at the screen. My GI doc called the next day and said I had an appointment with a General Surgeon on March 11th. She said my gall bladder was full of gall stones, which could explain the diarrhea and would definitely explain the stomach pain. My GI doc didn't want to leave my gall bladder in, as I have a family history of gall stones. I've never had a problem with them before now, but with the way my ultrasound looked, my GI doc didn't want to take any chances, but she wanted me to see the surgeon to get his opinion. My surgery date was April 4th. The surgery was done laproscopically. My surgeon said the gall stones took up about 3/4 of my gall bladder and that my gall bladder was covered with adhesions. My Rabbi's wife, Barb, took me to the surgery (I was up at 3:45am to leave my house at 4:30am, to be to her house by 5:15am, to be to the hospital by 6am, to be in surgery by 7am...) and I stayed with them overnight, since I wasn't allowed to stay alone. They have been such a God-send in my life! I had an appointment with my surgeon on April 22nd. I half-caught my niece when she started to fall out of my parents' screen door a week or so prior to the appoitment. Something 'popped' on my right side, near my belly-button. He pressed on my stomach and definitely felt something there. He ruled out an infection pocket because I told him I haven't felt sick; no fever, chills, etc. I told him I felt it wasn't an infection, either. So that's not an issue. He wanted to see me again on May 13th, thinking might correct itself. The appointment on the 13th was a disaster and I walked out in tears. I called his office about a week later and told his nurse I wanted a second opinion with a surgeon not affiliated with the hospital where I had the surgery. I told her that my surgery was well over a month ago, I was still in a lot of pain, and I felt my surgeon was brushing me off. Apparently that got my surgeon's attention. I've had a few more tests and have another appointment soon.
On May 14th, I got arrested for driving with a suspended license in this small village I grew up in. HOWEVER, according to the DMV, my license was NOT suspended. So I was falsely arrested and when I went to court, the court-appointed attorney and judge wouldn't even look at the paperwork clearing the arrest. The judge waved me off, and the attorney told me it wasn't important. Barb was with me at my June 1st court appearance, and she was almost as upset as I was! Here's what happened: I was driving through Altamont, NY (tiny village my mom grew up in and my family lived in for a while) to church that Saturday morning, and got pulled over. I gave the cop my license and registration, and he asked me if I knew why he pulled me over. I told him I knew my inspection was past due. He said, "Yes, that's correct, but I pulled you over for talking on your cell phone." I wasn't on my cell phone. My cell phone was in my bag, and my bag was on the floor on the passenger side. And my radio isn't working, so I wasn't singing. So my mouth wasn't even moving. Where he got that I was talking on my phone is beyond me. And my blue tooth was at home, still charging. Trust me, if I had been talking on my phone, I would have admitted to it. So the cop went back to his car (I ended up pulling into the police station parking lot because there are NO shoulders to pull off onto in Altamont) with my information and sat there for about 5 minutes. All I thought was, "Go figure that this tiny village still hand-writes their tickets!" He came back to my car and said, "We have a problem. Your license is suspended." I told him it wasn't and gave him the ONE form I got from one of the courts where my suspension was taken care of (Amsterdam, NY). The top of the suspension form says you only have to keep the form on your person for 6 months. This one was from November of last year. He said that I had two suspensions from Glenville, NY. I told him that I took the forms out of my bag the prior weekend because they were from JUNE of LAST YEAR, and I was only required to keep the forms on me until December of last year. He said that I must have gotten two other tickets in Glenville after I took care of those two suspensions. Actually, I've only gotten pulled over ONCE in Glenville, and that was the time I got the two tickets on the same day, at the same time, and they were taken care of at the same time. So NO, I didn't get two other tickets. So then the cop said that maybe someone borrowed my car or used my license. Also not possible. I was the only one with a set of keys to that car. As for my license, I'm the tallest one of my sisters, and none of them look THAT much like me. The cop asked me to get out of my car and placed me under arrest. I drive a '94 Olds Bravada that has doors that weigh more than I do, I'm willing to bet, LOL. So you have to give them some force to shut them. I slammed my car door, and the cop accused me of giving him attitude and told me he'd make my life miserable if I didn't knock it off. He walked me into the police station and said I couldn't go until he did paperwork and I posted bail. I had to give him all the cash I had on me (thankfully I had enough), and I had to sit through an hour of paperwork. My car was towed to the garage next to the police station (it cost me triple digits for the car to be towed 100 feet, plus the impound fees), plus the tickets I got that day, if the judge decides not to look at the paperwork again when I go back to court on July 6th. I'm going to try to get Altamont to pay the towing/impound for my car because I was falsely arrested! My parents agreed, as do Rabbi Steve & Barb, and I've already talked to some lawyers. And I'm going to ask my chiropractor's dad what he thinks. He's a lawyer and could possibly take my case and sue the town and police department. The abstract copy of my license, which I got with Barb earlier this month, says my license is valid and that the suspensions were taken care of on July 6th of last year.
THEN, I spent the Saturday evening I was arrested until about 5pm the following Monday house/dog-sitting at Rabbi Steve and Barb's. Their dog, Pushkie, hadn't been doing so well for a while. She'd not eat for a few days, and then feel better, and go back to not eating, and so on. Pushkie was getting old. She was 14. Barb texted me Sunday morning, asking how Pup (a.k.a Pushkie) was doing, since she hadn't eaten since Friday. She didn't eat much of Saturday's dinner. I let Barb know that, and she texted me that if anything changed, to let her know. The last time I watched Pup, Barb let me know that when they were taking her out to pee/poop, she and Rabbi Steve had been carrying her up and down the back steps because it was getting hard for her to get up and down them herself. No problem. I knew something wasn't right Sunday night when I let her out the last time before I went to bed (at 3am) and Pup peed and just flopped down into it. I debated sleeping on the couch, in case I couldn't hear Pup upstairs, but I decided to sleep upstairs because my back already hurt. So I made sure Pup was comfortable and went up to bed. I got up Monday morning around 9am. My contacts were in the downstairs bathroom, so I went down to put them in. As I came around the corner to go into the bathroom, I tripped over something hard, fell, and looked at what I tripped on. It was Pup, and I did a backwards-crawl thing into the wall and started screaming and crying. I couldn't stop crying, and around 11am, I put my contacts in, texted Barb and asked her to call me or text me, because I was so sorry, but Pup had died and I didn't know what to do with her. Barb texted me back, and asked where she was, and if I could find a box to put her in. She was a pomeranian (not a yappy one!), so that wasn't hard to find. Barb texted me again, and said that if I couldn't put her in the box, that Rabbi Steve could do it when they got home that night. I was torn. I didn't want to traumatize them by making them have to do that, yet I was freaking out and also traumatized. I told Barb I'd try. I found a box. I started crying again, and tried for two hours to put Pup in the box. I had Barb's rubber gloves for doing dishes on my hands, and I finally made myself just do it. I started hyperventilating because when Pup died, she wasn't on her side; she was flat on her belly, with her legs out to the sides. So to get her into the box, I had to force her legs in and her body was already stiff. The whole situation was awful, and Barb and Rabbi Steve's hardwood floor was a mess. I texted Barb and let her know I took care of Pup, and she thanked me for taking such good care of her, and for loving her like they did. She texted me again when they got home and said they laid her to rest in their backyard. I was really upset for about a week, and felt guilty; like I didn't do a good enough job taking care of Pup. But Barb told me not to think like that.
BUT... God has a master plan in all of this. I don't know what it is, but I have faith that He'll use everything I've been through over the past three and a half months for His glory. I don't know how He's going to do that, but that's not up to me to figure out! I'm not the one in charge! And I'm thankful for that. When I try to take charge, I always mess it up...
Until next time!
Friday, February 25, 2011
The Past Year Or So...
I have not updated in a really long time, and for that I apologize. I honestly didn't think anyone was following this anymore, so I find of let it go. Until I just got a comment from a sweet friend of mine, asking when I was going to update. So I'm updating, and will start doing so on a regular basis again. I've had a lot go on since the last time I posted; good and bad, trying and triumphant.
January of last year, I got into a car accident that resulted in breaking two vertebrae in my back. I was driving on a busy road that was covered in salt residue from a prior snowstorm, and I had to swerve around a car that had it's back end half in the turning lane and half in my lane of traffic. When I went around it, the car in front of me slammed on its brakes to avoid hitting the car in front of them. I slid on the rock salt residue and rear-ended the car in front of me. The person I rear-ended had a brand new Suzuki. I was driving a 1990 Volvo; a tank, basically. My body took the force of the accident. My car was perfectly fine and the other car was deemed a total loss. I'm still getting treatment for this accident (chiropractic adjustments, physical therapy, etc). There's a reason I'm telling you about this accident. Bear with me. :)
After I graduated from Mercy in May of 2009, Pastor Steve and Barb felt I needed to do some SERIOUS counseling regarding my childhood sexual abuse. At the time, I wasn't ready. We started that counseling in January of last year. It was hard and painful, and I dreaded the months of counseling it took to get through it/past it. But it was worth it. The nightmares I had since I was a kid no longer haunt me every, single night. I may have a bad dream every once in a while, but they are nothing like the nightmares that once tormented me. It came down to me needing to rescue the little girl inside me whom I tried to kill with my negative behaviors for 20+ years. She kept me alive when I was being abused, and rather than trying to let her grow up with me, I tried to kill her. So I'm still trying to get a handle on trying to love her, care for her, etc. It's not easy. But I'm trying.
My sister Megan had a little boy the day after Christmas in 2009, and my sister Karrie had a little girl on February 13th of 2010. Megan's boyfriend is Albanian, so my nephew's name is Skender (Albanian for Alexander). We call him Skipper. My niece's name is Teagan. Teagan was a preemie and in the NICU for a bit, but she is perfectly fine now! She has no effects from being a preemie! Both these babies bring absolute joy to my life!
Megan and Skipper on Superbowl Sunday. Our Steelers lost :(
Me with Teagan and big brother Gavin. He's 6 :)
I've been doing Davidic dancing at my congregation for about a year and a half now, and I love it. If you don't know what it is, here are two youtube videos that are as close to what we do as it gets. There are a ton of youtube videos of Davidic dancing, but a lot of them aren't so good.
http://www.youtube.com/user/gummiiebearbaby#p/c/02B59F2006B3225A/11/tRmLKYU9vvE
http://www.youtube.com/user/gummiiebearbaby#p/c/02B59F2006B3225A/12/4Xx-2cN26nM
I got a tattoo on my upper back last August. My friend Liz and I were talking about tattoos once. Another Mercy girl has a tattoo with this verse on it, but it's a lot different. My entire life, I felt like I was a piece of trash. Because of different abuses, I figured that if others had no regard for me or my body, I certainly didn't care about it. But then I got some insight into my worth as a person, and realized the abuse was not my fault. The tattoo is from a verse in Proverbs 31, and it is a permanent reminder to me about my value and worth. I am not what I've done or what has been done to me. My value is not based on the fact that I've had an eating disorder, or that I used to cut myself, or that I've had an abortion. It's not based on the fact that I used to sleep around and prostitute myself. It's not based on the fact that I was an alcoholic and in rehab before my 21st birthday. It IS based on the fact that I am priceless in the eyes of God, and more costly than diamonds, rubies and pearls.
I'm in my 2nd semester of Advanced Hebrew, which is taught at my church, and I love it! It's a really hard language, but I'm learning a lot, and the class is small, so we get to joke around. That makes the learning more fun. This past Tuesday, I forgot about something that needed to be added to direct objects from a lesson two weeks ago. So I said, "Dude!" The teacher, who goes to my church, said, "That's 'Moreh Dude' to you!" Moreh is the Hebrew word for teacher. It's fun stuff like this that keeps the class really fun and exciting, even though the language has a ton of exceptions, silent letters, etc.
And the reason why I told you about the car accident from last January! I found out in early October that I had Stage 2 Chronic Myeloid Leukemia. The reason the car accident in so significant is because that was the beginning of a series of broken and fractured bones that would happen throughout 2009 and 2010 that my doctors attributed to my osteopenia and being on a double dose of Nexium. Besides the vertebrae, I broke and fractured bones in my feet. Numerous times. Because of the osteopenia and the Nexium, no one thought to test for Leukemia. I went to my family doctor in early October with severe bruising, fatigue and other symptoms. He did blood work and some other tests. I was referred to an Oncologist, and tests were done to determine what form of Leukemia I had. I started chemo AND radiation twice a week on November 8th. My length of treatment was slated to be 10-14 weeks. Barb (my Rabbi's wife) drove me on Mondays, and Ann Marie drove me on Fridays until she went to FL, and then Eva did. I was sick, but thankfully I wasn't as sick as I could have been. I lost about half my hair thickness, but not all my hair. On January 17th, my chemo and radiation were increased because my Oncologist didn't like the look of my labs, and it was decided I would go a full 15 weeks. The increase in the treatments made me really sick towards the end. BUT, after a really intense worship service at my church, I asked my Oncologist to re-draw my labs, even though they had been done two weeks prior. Those labs had shown my WBC count was still 500,000. The labs I had requested came back with a WBC count of 11,000!! During that worship service, my Rabbi had said that we, as people of God, know that God knows what we need. But having that knowledge, we don't ask. He told us we need to ask for what we need. I knew God knew I needed (and WANTED) to be healed from the Leukemia. But I had stopped asking. So I asked God to please heal me, and just started sobbing. I didn't beg God, but I asked Him from the depths of my being, and it made my heart hurt. I don't know what happened, but something felt different inside my body. Thus the reason for me asking for the repeat labs. I knew something was different. For insurance reasons, I had to finish out the last 5 treatments, but I am Leukemia FREE!!
How's that for an update? :D
January of last year, I got into a car accident that resulted in breaking two vertebrae in my back. I was driving on a busy road that was covered in salt residue from a prior snowstorm, and I had to swerve around a car that had it's back end half in the turning lane and half in my lane of traffic. When I went around it, the car in front of me slammed on its brakes to avoid hitting the car in front of them. I slid on the rock salt residue and rear-ended the car in front of me. The person I rear-ended had a brand new Suzuki. I was driving a 1990 Volvo; a tank, basically. My body took the force of the accident. My car was perfectly fine and the other car was deemed a total loss. I'm still getting treatment for this accident (chiropractic adjustments, physical therapy, etc). There's a reason I'm telling you about this accident. Bear with me. :)
After I graduated from Mercy in May of 2009, Pastor Steve and Barb felt I needed to do some SERIOUS counseling regarding my childhood sexual abuse. At the time, I wasn't ready. We started that counseling in January of last year. It was hard and painful, and I dreaded the months of counseling it took to get through it/past it. But it was worth it. The nightmares I had since I was a kid no longer haunt me every, single night. I may have a bad dream every once in a while, but they are nothing like the nightmares that once tormented me. It came down to me needing to rescue the little girl inside me whom I tried to kill with my negative behaviors for 20+ years. She kept me alive when I was being abused, and rather than trying to let her grow up with me, I tried to kill her. So I'm still trying to get a handle on trying to love her, care for her, etc. It's not easy. But I'm trying.
My sister Megan had a little boy the day after Christmas in 2009, and my sister Karrie had a little girl on February 13th of 2010. Megan's boyfriend is Albanian, so my nephew's name is Skender (Albanian for Alexander). We call him Skipper. My niece's name is Teagan. Teagan was a preemie and in the NICU for a bit, but she is perfectly fine now! She has no effects from being a preemie! Both these babies bring absolute joy to my life!
Megan and Skipper on Superbowl Sunday. Our Steelers lost :(
Me with Teagan and big brother Gavin. He's 6 :)
I've been doing Davidic dancing at my congregation for about a year and a half now, and I love it. If you don't know what it is, here are two youtube videos that are as close to what we do as it gets. There are a ton of youtube videos of Davidic dancing, but a lot of them aren't so good.
http://www.youtube.com/user/gummiiebearbaby#p/c/02B59F2006B3225A/11/tRmLKYU9vvE
http://www.youtube.com/user/gummiiebearbaby#p/c/02B59F2006B3225A/12/4Xx-2cN26nM
I got a tattoo on my upper back last August. My friend Liz and I were talking about tattoos once. Another Mercy girl has a tattoo with this verse on it, but it's a lot different. My entire life, I felt like I was a piece of trash. Because of different abuses, I figured that if others had no regard for me or my body, I certainly didn't care about it. But then I got some insight into my worth as a person, and realized the abuse was not my fault. The tattoo is from a verse in Proverbs 31, and it is a permanent reminder to me about my value and worth. I am not what I've done or what has been done to me. My value is not based on the fact that I've had an eating disorder, or that I used to cut myself, or that I've had an abortion. It's not based on the fact that I used to sleep around and prostitute myself. It's not based on the fact that I was an alcoholic and in rehab before my 21st birthday. It IS based on the fact that I am priceless in the eyes of God, and more costly than diamonds, rubies and pearls.
I'm in my 2nd semester of Advanced Hebrew, which is taught at my church, and I love it! It's a really hard language, but I'm learning a lot, and the class is small, so we get to joke around. That makes the learning more fun. This past Tuesday, I forgot about something that needed to be added to direct objects from a lesson two weeks ago. So I said, "Dude!" The teacher, who goes to my church, said, "That's 'Moreh Dude' to you!" Moreh is the Hebrew word for teacher. It's fun stuff like this that keeps the class really fun and exciting, even though the language has a ton of exceptions, silent letters, etc.
And the reason why I told you about the car accident from last January! I found out in early October that I had Stage 2 Chronic Myeloid Leukemia. The reason the car accident in so significant is because that was the beginning of a series of broken and fractured bones that would happen throughout 2009 and 2010 that my doctors attributed to my osteopenia and being on a double dose of Nexium. Besides the vertebrae, I broke and fractured bones in my feet. Numerous times. Because of the osteopenia and the Nexium, no one thought to test for Leukemia. I went to my family doctor in early October with severe bruising, fatigue and other symptoms. He did blood work and some other tests. I was referred to an Oncologist, and tests were done to determine what form of Leukemia I had. I started chemo AND radiation twice a week on November 8th. My length of treatment was slated to be 10-14 weeks. Barb (my Rabbi's wife) drove me on Mondays, and Ann Marie drove me on Fridays until she went to FL, and then Eva did. I was sick, but thankfully I wasn't as sick as I could have been. I lost about half my hair thickness, but not all my hair. On January 17th, my chemo and radiation were increased because my Oncologist didn't like the look of my labs, and it was decided I would go a full 15 weeks. The increase in the treatments made me really sick towards the end. BUT, after a really intense worship service at my church, I asked my Oncologist to re-draw my labs, even though they had been done two weeks prior. Those labs had shown my WBC count was still 500,000. The labs I had requested came back with a WBC count of 11,000!! During that worship service, my Rabbi had said that we, as people of God, know that God knows what we need. But having that knowledge, we don't ask. He told us we need to ask for what we need. I knew God knew I needed (and WANTED) to be healed from the Leukemia. But I had stopped asking. So I asked God to please heal me, and just started sobbing. I didn't beg God, but I asked Him from the depths of my being, and it made my heart hurt. I don't know what happened, but something felt different inside my body. Thus the reason for me asking for the repeat labs. I knew something was different. For insurance reasons, I had to finish out the last 5 treatments, but I am Leukemia FREE!!
How's that for an update? :D
Sunday, November 15, 2009
C28.com Website
I buy Christian shirts from this AMAZING website called C28.COM.
http://www.c28.com
C28 stands for Colossians 2:8, which reads, "Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ." (NLT)
This website sells bold Christian t-shirts and jewely. I have quite a few shirts from the C28 website, including one that says, "Let Go, Let God."
http://www.c28.com/shopping/PostaPicGallery.asp?ImageID=13858&ProductID=11854
Yup, that's me wearing it!
This shirt has gotten me stopped quite often. People have asked me where I've gotten it, how one let's go and let's God. It has allowed me to share my faith, and it has opened doors where they might not otherwise be opened.
C28 has really good sales all the time, as well as clearance items. They also have "missions" you can do that allow you to earn money to put towards things on their website. The missions include fun things like scavenger hunts on their website!
CHECK THEM OUT!!
http://www.c28.com
C28 stands for Colossians 2:8, which reads, "Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ." (NLT)
This website sells bold Christian t-shirts and jewely. I have quite a few shirts from the C28 website, including one that says, "Let Go, Let God."
http://www.c28.com/shopping/PostaPicGallery.asp?ImageID=13858&ProductID=11854
Yup, that's me wearing it!
This shirt has gotten me stopped quite often. People have asked me where I've gotten it, how one let's go and let's God. It has allowed me to share my faith, and it has opened doors where they might not otherwise be opened.
C28 has really good sales all the time, as well as clearance items. They also have "missions" you can do that allow you to earn money to put towards things on their website. The missions include fun things like scavenger hunts on their website!
CHECK THEM OUT!!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Our Inheritance
I went on a Ladies Retreat with about 30 women from my church at the end of September, and we were shown a Youtube video that touched my heart in a way that I've never been touched before. I often get in a "funk" where I believe I've done too much for God to love me unconditionally; I've committed too many sins, my sins are too bad, I'm beyond God's love, I don't deserve that kind of love, etc. This video, done by Graham Cooke, made me cry. And I still sob when I watch it, over a month later. It makes me realize that NOTHING in my past (not the prostitution, not the abortion, not the cutting or the eating disorder or the rapes or sleeping around with hundreds of men) is beyond God's grace and forgiveness. Once I handed all of that over to God and repented, He cast it into the Sea of Forgetfulness, and He remembers it no longer. The only one who remembers it and brings it up is ME and THE ENEMY OF MY SOUL, and satan is out to destroy me. I want to live. DESPERATELY want to live. I have a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11). So why would I want to put myself in the same company as the one who wants to destroy me?
In order for me to live, and obtain the inheritance that God has for me, I MUST stop bringing up the things in my past that are covered under the Blood of Jesus. I MUST stop condemning myself. God no longer condemns me, and He expects the same from me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pxBay2r2SI
"FORGIVEN"
I've heard a song on the radio a LOT lately, and I think it's God trying to drill into my head something that I need to hear. This past week was a rough one for me. Wednesday was the one-year anniversary on an action I will regret for the rest of my life, and it's something I cannot take back or fix. But God keeps wanting me to hear that I'm forgiven, even though I can't seem to forgive myself.
Here's a link to the video, as well as the lyrics:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3F9z54g30Eo
FORGIVEN - Sanctus Real
Well the past is playing with my head
Failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
That devil just won’t let me forget
In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am
I’m forgiven
I'm forgiven
I dont have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
‘Cause I’m forgiven
My mistakes are running through my mind
I re-live my days in the middle of the night
When I struggle with my pain
Wrestle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone and I cry
In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am
I’m forgiven
I'm forgiven
I dont have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
‘Cause I’m forgiven
When I don’t fit in
And I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ
‘Cause I’m forgiven
Oh, I'm forgiven
I dont have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
‘Cause I’m forgiven
Here's a link to the video, as well as the lyrics:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3F9z54g30Eo
FORGIVEN - Sanctus Real
Well the past is playing with my head
Failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
That devil just won’t let me forget
In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am
I’m forgiven
I'm forgiven
I dont have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
‘Cause I’m forgiven
My mistakes are running through my mind
I re-live my days in the middle of the night
When I struggle with my pain
Wrestle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone and I cry
In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am
I’m forgiven
I'm forgiven
I dont have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
‘Cause I’m forgiven
When I don’t fit in
And I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ
‘Cause I’m forgiven
Oh, I'm forgiven
I dont have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
‘Cause I’m forgiven
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Can You Help?
the little boy above is gideon. i sponsor him. he lives in uganda. as most of you know, i am going on a missions trip to uganda in mid-january. i will get to meet gideon and give him a hug. if you had told me i'd be doing this a few months ago, i would have laughed in your face and walked away. i am a shy, quiet girl. i live my life in the shadows. i don't involve myself in anything. but that was a few months ago. that was before i looked at pictures of children with grins on their faces and sad eyes that told stories of a life i have known all too well. in those eyes, i could see abuse because i have lived that life; as both a child AND an adult. it broke my heart into a million pieces, and i tried to ignore it, BUT GOD WOULDN'T LET ME. i tried to shut it out, but the images of those children played in my head like a movie; running over and over. i argued with God that i was starting nursing school and that i had other plans. He fixed that for me, and nursing school is now on hold until this coming fall, as are my other plans. i have run out of excuses, and no longer have any reasons to drag my feet. my passport has been purchased. i have been trying to frantically raise funds.
but i need your help, and the help of those you know. i have about $1400 left to raise, and not a lot of time left to do it. i am trying to convince myself that God will provide. this is a huge faith test, but i feel like i'm failing the test big time. i've never had to trust God with anything this big before, and it's hard!!
if anyone wants to give/is able to give towards my trip, donations can be made either by check/money order or securely over the internet. if you are able to help me out, or know anyone who has a heart for africa, that would be awesome. if you make a donation by mail, PLEASE specify on the memo line of the check/money order that the donation is for Ali Davis, so that it gets to my account with Show Mercy.
BY MAIL:
Show Mercy International
PO Box 607
Albany, Oregon 97321
ONLINE:
http://www.showmercy.org/donate/index.php?productID=126
OR VIA MY PAYPAL:
squishmush@yahoo.com
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
More to Be Thankful About
-i am thankful that i have freedom from a majority of my past, though i'm still working on self-forgiveness with a certain issue.
-i am thankful that i have amazing sisters all over the world, and it blesses me to see them grow along with me!
-i am thankful that i live in a country where i can worship the TRUE GOD without fear of losing my life. i often take that for granted...
-i am thankful (although it's painful) that God keeps pushing me past my comfort level, to keep me growing in Him.
-i am thankful (and blessed) to have a God and friends i can rely on when things are tough and i feel like i'm losing my mind.
-i'm thankful that HE chose ME.
-i'm thankful for constant grace, mercy and forgiveness.
-i am thankful that i am trying to follow God's calling on my life.
-i am thankful that i am finally choosing life, not death.
-i am thankful that i have amazing sisters all over the world, and it blesses me to see them grow along with me!
-i am thankful that i live in a country where i can worship the TRUE GOD without fear of losing my life. i often take that for granted...
-i am thankful (although it's painful) that God keeps pushing me past my comfort level, to keep me growing in Him.
-i am thankful (and blessed) to have a God and friends i can rely on when things are tough and i feel like i'm losing my mind.
-i'm thankful that HE chose ME.
-i'm thankful for constant grace, mercy and forgiveness.
-i am thankful that i am trying to follow God's calling on my life.
-i am thankful that i am finally choosing life, not death.
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