A Second Chance at Life

CHECK ME OUT HERE, TOO!!

2011-06-28T17:23:00.000-04:00

I have a tumblr account! CHECK IT OUT! I think you guys will like it! It's called "Hey There, Beautiful!"

http://upstatealicat.tumblr.com

Another Update

2011-06-17T04:23:00.001-04:00

I'm going to try to update more often. Too many months are going by between updates. I should probably use this more like a journal...

So. After my last update, within a few days, I ended up in the ER. This part may be TMI, so if you're squeamish, you may not want to read this section. I had started having diarrhea on Valentine's Day and by February 26th, I knew I was dehydrated, despite trying my best to keep hydrated. I was also having upper quadrant stomach pains. I had called my family doctor that afternoon and he said that the diarrhea needed to be treated at the ER, because if I needed further testing, they could provide it. I was there from 3pm until 8:15 the following morning. I ended up having to get 3 liters of IV fluids because I was dehydrated. My electrolytes were off, so I went home with scripts for those, and took pills while in the ER. I had to make an appointment with my GI doctor and I went home exhausted and VERY angry because the ER doctor did no tests, other than labwork, due to my history of the eating disorder. He said he suspected I was abusing laxatives and didn't want to waste time doing tests if they were going to come back negative to begin with. I asked to see another doctor, and he said the ER was full and that wasn't a possibility. So I sent a very strongly worded letter to the hospital administration. The ER gave me a list of foods/things to avoid for the diarrhea, and I hadn't had that stuff to eat/drink in a looong time, so that was less than helpful. I broke down in tears signing the discharge paperwork because I asked the nurse what I was supposed to do. She told me there wasn't anything they could do. I felt stupid. But having diarrhea for that long was excessive and I felt like crap (no pun intended), and I was told NOT to take an anti-diarrheal medication because my system was so out of whack, and that could swing things the OTHER way to the extreme. I didn't want that, either. When I saw my GI doc, she ordered an ultrsound of my entire abdomen. It took about 45 minutes, and I got to watch, which was pretty cool. I've had belly ultrasounds before, but was never able to see the screen. This tech let me see and it was awesome. Especially since I got to see my heart beating and I was just like, "Wow, God! The body and how it works is SO COOL!" I couldn't stop staring at the screen. My GI doc called the next day and said I had an appointment with a General Surgeon on March 11th. She said my gall bladder was full of gall stones, which could explain the diarrhea and would definitely explain the stomach pain. My GI doc didn't want to leave my gall bladder in, as I have a family history of gall stones. I've never had a problem with them before now, but with the way my ultrasound looked, my GI doc didn't want to take any chances, but she wanted me to see the surgeon to get his opinion. My surgery date was April 4th. The surgery was done laproscopically. My surgeon said the gall stones took up about 3/4 of my gall bladder and that my gall bladder was covered with adhesions. My Rabbi's wife, Barb, took me to the surgery (I was up at 3:45am to leave my house at 4:30am, to be to her house by 5:15am, to be to the hospital by 6am, to be in surgery by 7am...) and I stayed with them overnight, since I wasn't allowed to stay alone. They have been such a God-send in my life! I had an appointment with my surgeon on April 22nd. I half-caught my niece when she started to fall out of my parents' screen door a week or so prior to the appoitment. Something 'popped' on my right side, near my belly-button. He pressed on my stomach and definitely felt something there. He ruled out an infection pocket because I told him I haven't felt sick; no fever, chills, etc. I told him I felt it wasn't an infection, either. So that's not an issue. He wanted to see me again on May 13th, thinking might correct itself. The appointment on the 13th was a disaster and I walked out in tears. I called his office about a week later and told his nurse I wanted a second opinion with a surgeon not affiliated with the hospital where I had the surgery. I told her that my surgery was well over a month ago, I was still in a lot of pain, and I felt my surgeon was brushing me off. Apparently that got my surgeon's attention. I've had a few more tests and have another appointment soon.

On May 14th, I got arrested for driving with a suspended license in this small village I grew up in. HOWEVER, according to the DMV, my license was NOT suspended. So I was falsely arrested and when I went to court, the court-appointed attorney and judge wouldn't even look at the paperwork clearing the arrest. The judge waved me off, and the attorney told me it wasn't important. Barb was with me at my June 1st court appearance, and she was almost as upset as I was! Here's what happened: I was driving through Altamont, NY (tiny village my mom grew up in and my family lived in for a while) to church that Saturday morning, and got pulled over. I gave the cop my license and registration, and he asked me if I knew why he pulled me over. I told him I knew my inspection was past due. He said, "Yes, that's correct, but I pulled you over for talking on your cell phone." I wasn't on my cell phone. My cell phone was in my bag, and my bag was on the floor on the passenger side. And my radio isn't working, so I wasn't singing. So my mouth wasn't even moving. Where he got that I was talking on my phone is beyond me. And my blue tooth was at home, still charging. Trust me, if I had been talking on my phone, I would have admitted to it. So the cop went back to his car (I ended up pulling into the police station parking lot because there are NO shoulders to pull off onto in Altamont) with my information and sat there for about 5 minutes. All I thought was, "Go figure that this tiny village still hand-writes their tickets!" He came back to my car and said, "We have a problem. Your license is suspended." I told him it wasn't and gave him the ONE form I got from one of the courts where my suspension was taken care of (Amsterdam, NY). The top of the suspension form says you only have to keep the form on your person for 6 months. This one was from November of last year. He said that I had two suspensions from Glenville, NY. I told him that I took the forms out of my bag the prior weekend because they were from JUNE of LAST YEAR, and I was only required to keep the forms on me until December of last year. He said that I must have gotten two other tickets in Glenville after I took care of those two suspensions. Actually, I've only gotten pulled over ONCE in Glenville, and that was the time I got the two tickets on the same day, at the same time, and they were taken care of at the same time. So NO, I didn't get two other tickets. So then the cop said that maybe someone borrowed my car or used my license. Also not possible. I was the only one with a set of keys to that car. As for my license, I'm the tallest one of my sisters, and none of them look THAT much like me. The cop asked me to get out of my car and placed me under arrest. I drive a '94 Olds Bravada that has doors that weigh more than I do, I'm willing to bet, LOL. So you have to give them some force to shut them. I slammed my car door, and the cop accused me of giving him attitude and told me he'd make my life miserable if I didn't knock it off. He walked me into the police station and said I couldn't go until he did paperwork and I posted bail. I had to give him all the cash I had on me (thankfully I had enough), and I had to sit through an hour of paperwork. My car was towed to the garage next to the police station (it cost me triple digits for the car to be towed 100 feet, plus the impound fees), plus the tickets I got that day, if the judge decides not to look at the paperwork again when I go back to court on July 6th. I'm going to try to get Altamont to pay the towing/impound for my car because I was falsely arrested! My parents agreed, as do Rabbi Steve & Barb, and I've already talked to some lawyers. And I'm going to ask my chiropractor's dad what he thinks. He's a lawyer and could possibly take my case and sue the town and police department. The abstract copy of my license, which I got with Barb earlier this month, says my license is valid and that the suspensions were taken care of on July 6th of last year.

THEN, I spent the Saturday evening I was arrested until about 5pm the following Monday house/dog-sitting at Rabbi Steve and Barb's. Their dog, Pushkie, hadn't been doing so well for a while. She'd not eat for a few days, and then feel better, and go back to not eating, and so on. Pushkie was getting old. She was 14. Barb texted me Sunday morning, asking how Pup (a.k.a Pushkie) was doing, since she hadn't eaten since Friday. She didn't eat much of Saturday's dinner. I let Barb know that, and she texted me that if anything changed, to let her know. The last time I watched Pup, Barb let me know that when they were taking her out to pee/poop, she and Rabbi Steve had been carrying her up and down the back steps because it was getting hard for her to get up and down them herself. No problem. I knew something wasn't right Sunday night when I let her out the last time before I went to bed (at 3am) and Pup peed and just flopped down into it. I debated sleeping on the couch, in case I couldn't hear Pup upstairs, but I decided to sleep upstairs because my back already hurt. So I made sure Pup was comfortable and went up to bed. I got up Monday morning around 9am. My contacts were in the downstairs bathroom, so I went down to put them in. As I came around the corner to go into the bathroom, I tripped over something hard, fell, and looked at what I tripped on. It was Pup, and I did a backwards-crawl thing into the wall and started screaming and crying. I couldn't stop crying, and around 11am, I put my contacts in, texted Barb and asked her to call me or text me, because I was so sorry, but Pup had died and I didn't know what to do with her. Barb texted me back, and asked where she was, and if I could find a box to put her in. She was a pomeranian (not a yappy one!), so that wasn't hard to find. Barb texted me again, and said that if I couldn't put her in the box, that Rabbi Steve could do it when they got home that night. I was torn. I didn't want to traumatize them by making them have to do that, yet I was freaking out and also traumatized. I told Barb I'd try. I found a box. I started crying again, and tried for two hours to put Pup in the box. I had Barb's rubber gloves for doing dishes on my hands, and I finally made myself just do it. I started hyperventilating because when Pup died, she wasn't on her side; she was flat on her belly, with her legs out to the sides. So to get her into the box, I had to force her legs in and her body was already stiff. The whole situation was awful, and Barb and Rabbi Steve's hardwood floor was a mess. I texted Barb and let her know I took care of Pup, and she thanked me for taking such good care of her, and for loving her like they did. She texted me again when they got home and said they laid her to rest in their backyard. I was really upset for about a week, and felt guilty; like I didn't do a good enough job taking care of Pup. But Barb told me not to think like that.

BUT... God has a master plan in all of this. I don't know what it is, but I have faith that He'll use everything I've been through over the past three and a half months for His glory. I don't know how He's going to do that, but that's not up to me to figure out! I'm not the one in charge! And I'm thankful for that. When I try to take charge, I always mess it up...

Me with my youngest sister Karrie's kids; Gavin and Teagan. Gavin wanted to give me a kiss, and Karrie caught it. I think this picture is too sweet. Gavin finished kindergarten a few days ago. He goes to a Christian school, and he is one of the sweetest, most sensitive little boys I know. He can be a handful, but what 6-year-old isn't? He loves his family, and he loves to spend time with us. He loves music (he's a wicked drummer) and to draw. Gavin is just an amazing little guy. Teagan is my twin. She looks just like I did when I was little. She loves kitties and the 'Olivia the Pig' cartoon. It's ironic, because I collect Olivia stuff. :) Teagan is a diva, but she an adorable diva. She will go to anyone, and gives the best hugs. If you just say 'Hi' to her, she breaks out into a whole-face grin. Teagan loves to be tickled. And she loves her big bruzzer Gavin.

Me with my little Skibble, my sister Megan's little guy. He's a ham. He's a tough guy, but he loves to give hugs. He loves giraffes, Matchbox cars and watching Mommy mow the lawn through the picture window in the living room; especially if Aunt Ali knocks on the window to get Mommy's attention and she waves to him. Skibble loves bubbles and walking around the front lawn barefoot. Both at the same time is the best! His newest love is Pirate Booty 'popcorn'!

Until next time!

The Past Year Or So...

2011-02-25T18:20:00.007-05:00

I have not updated in a really long time, and for that I apologize. I honestly didn't think anyone was following this anymore, so I find of let it go. Until I just got a comment from a sweet friend of mine, asking when I was going to update. So I'm updating, and will start doing so on a regular basis again. I've had a lot go on since the last time I posted; good and bad, trying and triumphant.

January of last year, I got into a car accident that resulted in breaking two vertebrae in my back. I was driving on a busy road that was covered in salt residue from a prior snowstorm, and I had to swerve around a car that had it's back end half in the turning lane and half in my lane of traffic. When I went around it, the car in front of me slammed on its brakes to avoid hitting the car in front of them. I slid on the rock salt residue and rear-ended the car in front of me. The person I rear-ended had a brand new Suzuki. I was driving a 1990 Volvo; a tank, basically. My body took the force of the accident. My car was perfectly fine and the other car was deemed a total loss. I'm still getting treatment for this accident (chiropractic adjustments, physical therapy, etc). There's a reason I'm telling you about this accident. Bear with me. :)

After I graduated from Mercy in May of 2009, Pastor Steve and Barb felt I needed to do some SERIOUS counseling regarding my childhood sexual abuse. At the time, I wasn't ready. We started that counseling in January of last year. It was hard and painful, and I dreaded the months of counseling it took to get through it/past it. But it was worth it. The nightmares I had since I was a kid no longer haunt me every, single night. I may have a bad dream every once in a while, but they are nothing like the nightmares that once tormented me. It came down to me needing to rescue the little girl inside me whom I tried to kill with my negative behaviors for 20+ years. She kept me alive when I was being abused, and rather than trying to let her grow up with me, I tried to kill her. So I'm still trying to get a handle on trying to love her, care for her, etc. It's not easy. But I'm trying.

My sister Megan had a little boy the day after Christmas in 2009, and my sister Karrie had a little girl on February 13th of 2010. Megan's boyfriend is Albanian, so my nephew's name is Skender (Albanian for Alexander). We call him Skipper. My niece's name is Teagan. Teagan was a preemie and in the NICU for a bit, but she is perfectly fine now! She has no effects from being a preemie! Both these babies bring absolute joy to my life!

Megan and Skipper on Superbowl Sunday. Our Steelers lost :(

Me with Teagan and big brother Gavin. He's 6 :)

I've been doing Davidic dancing at my congregation for about a year and a half now, and I love it. If you don't know what it is, here are two youtube videos that are as close to what we do as it gets. There are a ton of youtube videos of Davidic dancing, but a lot of them aren't so good.
http://www.youtube.com/user/gummiiebearbaby#p/c/02B59F2006B3225A/11/tRmLKYU9vvE
http://www.youtube.com/user/gummiiebearbaby#p/c/02B59F2006B3225A/12/4Xx-2cN26nM

I got a tattoo on my upper back last August. My friend Liz and I were talking about tattoos once. Another Mercy girl has a tattoo with this verse on it, but it's a lot different. My entire life, I felt like I was a piece of trash. Because of different abuses, I figured that if others had no regard for me or my body, I certainly didn't care about it. But then I got some insight into my worth as a person, and realized the abuse was not my fault. The tattoo is from a verse in Proverbs 31, and it is a permanent reminder to me about my value and worth. I am not what I've done or what has been done to me. My value is not based on the fact that I've had an eating disorder, or that I used to cut myself, or that I've had an abortion. It's not based on the fact that I used to sleep around and prostitute myself. It's not based on the fact that I was an alcoholic and in rehab before my 21st birthday. It IS based on the fact that I am priceless in the eyes of God, and more costly than diamonds, rubies and pearls.

I'm in my 2nd semester of Advanced Hebrew, which is taught at my church, and I love it! It's a really hard language, but I'm learning a lot, and the class is small, so we get to joke around. That makes the learning more fun. This past Tuesday, I forgot about something that needed to be added to direct objects from a lesson two weeks ago. So I said, "Dude!" The teacher, who goes to my church, said, "That's 'Moreh Dude' to you!" Moreh is the Hebrew word for teacher. It's fun stuff like this that keeps the class really fun and exciting, even though the language has a ton of exceptions, silent letters, etc.

And the reason why I told you about the car accident from last January! I found out in early October that I had Stage 2 Chronic Myeloid Leukemia. The reason the car accident in so significant is because that was the beginning of a series of broken and fractured bones that would happen throughout 2009 and 2010 that my doctors attributed to my osteopenia and being on a double dose of Nexium. Besides the vertebrae, I broke and fractured bones in my feet. Numerous times. Because of the osteopenia and the Nexium, no one thought to test for Leukemia. I went to my family doctor in early October with severe bruising, fatigue and other symptoms. He did blood work and some other tests. I was referred to an Oncologist, and tests were done to determine what form of Leukemia I had. I started chemo AND radiation twice a week on November 8th. My length of treatment was slated to be 10-14 weeks. Barb (my Rabbi's wife) drove me on Mondays, and Ann Marie drove me on Fridays until she went to FL, and then Eva did. I was sick, but thankfully I wasn't as sick as I could have been. I lost about half my hair thickness, but not all my hair. On January 17th, my chemo and radiation were increased because my Oncologist didn't like the look of my labs, and it was decided I would go a full 15 weeks. The increase in the treatments made me really sick towards the end. BUT, after a really intense worship service at my church, I asked my Oncologist to re-draw my labs, even though they had been done two weeks prior. Those labs had shown my WBC count was still 500,000. The labs I had requested came back with a WBC count of 11,000!! During that worship service, my Rabbi had said that we, as people of God, know that God knows what we need. But having that knowledge, we don't ask. He told us we need to ask for what we need. I knew God knew I needed (and WANTED) to be healed from the Leukemia. But I had stopped asking. So I asked God to please heal me, and just started sobbing. I didn't beg God, but I asked Him from the depths of my being, and it made my heart hurt. I don't know what happened, but something felt different inside my body. Thus the reason for me asking for the repeat labs. I knew something was different. For insurance reasons, I had to finish out the last 5 treatments, but I am Leukemia FREE!!

How's that for an update? :D

C28.com Website

2009-11-15T10:19:00.002-05:00

I buy Christian shirts from this AMAZING website called C28.COM.

http://www.c28.com

C28 stands for Colossians 2:8, which reads, "Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ." (NLT)

This website sells bold Christian t-shirts and jewely. I have quite a few shirts from the C28 website, including one that says, "Let Go, Let God."

http://www.c28.com/shopping/PostaPicGallery.asp?ImageID=13858&ProductID=11854

Yup, that's me wearing it!

This shirt has gotten me stopped quite often. People have asked me where I've gotten it, how one let's go and let's God. It has allowed me to share my faith, and it has opened doors where they might not otherwise be opened.

C28 has really good sales all the time, as well as clearance items. They also have "missions" you can do that allow you to earn money to put towards things on their website. The missions include fun things like scavenger hunts on their website!

CHECK THEM OUT!!

Our Inheritance

2009-11-01T15:16:00.006-05:00

I went on a Ladies Retreat with about 30 women from my church at the end of September, and we were shown a Youtube video that touched my heart in a way that I've never been touched before. I often get in a "funk" where I believe I've done too much for God to love me unconditionally; I've committed too many sins, my sins are too bad, I'm beyond God's love, I don't deserve that kind of love, etc. This video, done by Graham Cooke, made me cry. And I still sob when I watch it, over a month later. It makes me realize that NOTHING in my past (not the prostitution, not the abortion, not the cutting or the eating disorder or the rapes or sleeping around with hundreds of men) is beyond God's grace and forgiveness. Once I handed all of that over to God and repented, He cast it into the Sea of Forgetfulness, and He remembers it no longer. The only one who remembers it and brings it up is ME and THE ENEMY OF MY SOUL, and satan is out to destroy me. I want to live. DESPERATELY want to live. I have a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11). So why would I want to put myself in the same company as the one who wants to destroy me?

In order for me to live, and obtain the inheritance that God has for me, I MUST stop bringing up the things in my past that are covered under the Blood of Jesus. I MUST stop condemning myself. God no longer condemns me, and He expects the same from me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pxBay2r2SI

"FORGIVEN"

2009-11-01T11:15:00.003-05:00

I've heard a song on the radio a LOT lately, and I think it's God trying to drill into my head something that I need to hear. This past week was a rough one for me. Wednesday was the one-year anniversary on an action I will regret for the rest of my life, and it's something I cannot take back or fix. But God keeps wanting me to hear that I'm forgiven, even though I can't seem to forgive myself.

Here's a link to the video, as well as the lyrics:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3F9z54g30Eo

FORGIVEN - Sanctus Real

Well the past is playing with my head
Failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
That devil just won’t let me forget

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am
I’m forgiven
I'm forgiven
I dont have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
‘Cause I’m forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind
I re-live my days in the middle of the night
When I struggle with my pain
Wrestle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone and I cry

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

I’m forgiven
I'm forgiven
I dont have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
‘Cause I’m forgiven

When I don’t fit in
And I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ

‘Cause I’m forgiven
Oh, I'm forgiven
I dont have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
‘Cause I’m forgiven

Can You Help?

2009-10-17T22:07:00.003-04:00

the little boy above is gideon. i sponsor him. he lives in uganda. as most of you know, i am going on a missions trip to uganda in mid-january. i will get to meet gideon and give him a hug. if you had told me i'd be doing this a few months ago, i would have laughed in your face and walked away. i am a shy, quiet girl. i live my life in the shadows. i don't involve myself in anything. but that was a few months ago. that was before i looked at pictures of children with grins on their faces and sad eyes that told stories of a life i have known all too well. in those eyes, i could see abuse because i have lived that life; as both a child AND an adult. it broke my heart into a million pieces, and i tried to ignore it, BUT GOD WOULDN'T LET ME. i tried to shut it out, but the images of those children played in my head like a movie; running over and over. i argued with God that i was starting nursing school and that i had other plans. He fixed that for me, and nursing school is now on hold until this coming fall, as are my other plans. i have run out of excuses, and no longer have any reasons to drag my feet. my passport has been purchased. i have been trying to frantically raise funds.

but i need your help, and the help of those you know. i have about $1400 left to raise, and not a lot of time left to do it. i am trying to convince myself that God will provide. this is a huge faith test, but i feel like i'm failing the test big time. i've never had to trust God with anything this big before, and it's hard!!

if anyone wants to give/is able to give towards my trip, donations can be made either by check/money order or securely over the internet. if you are able to help me out, or know anyone who has a heart for africa, that would be awesome. if you make a donation by mail, PLEASE specify on the memo line of the check/money order that the donation is for Ali Davis, so that it gets to my account with Show Mercy.

BY MAIL:
Show Mercy International
PO Box 607
Albany, Oregon 97321

ONLINE:
http://www.showmercy.org/donate/index.php?productID=126

OR VIA MY PAYPAL:
squishmush@yahoo.com

More to Be Thankful About

2009-09-22T23:53:00.002-04:00

-i am thankful that i have freedom from a majority of my past, though i'm still working on self-forgiveness with a certain issue.
-i am thankful that i have amazing sisters all over the world, and it blesses me to see them grow along with me!
-i am thankful that i live in a country where i can worship the TRUE GOD without fear of losing my life. i often take that for granted...
-i am thankful (although it's painful) that God keeps pushing me past my comfort level, to keep me growing in Him.
-i am thankful (and blessed) to have a God and friends i can rely on when things are tough and i feel like i'm losing my mind.
-i'm thankful that HE chose ME.
-i'm thankful for constant grace, mercy and forgiveness.
-i am thankful that i am trying to follow God's calling on my life.
-i am thankful that i am finally choosing life, not death.

So Thankful

2009-08-24T18:31:00.003-04:00

i am so thankful to have been given the second chance to reclaim my life. my life hasn't been perfect in the last few months, and i've messed up a lot lately. BUT I HAVEN'T GIVEN UP, as i would have in the past. i think that says a lot about how much i've been learning to rely on GOD, and not myself. relying on myself has gotten me nowhere good in the past. relying on God over the past few months hasn't been easy, but it has had better results.

thank you, God, for placing people in my life who have helped me see that the enemy has tried so hard to destroy me. thank you for helping me see a glimpse of worth where i have seen none. thank you for helping me see a bit of beauty among all the rubble and garbage that i have lived amongst for so long. thank you for filling my life with new dreams and goals. thank you for showing me, through the eyes and love of these amazing friends in my life, that i am SO MUCH MORE than i ever thought possible, and that i have a purpose. thank you, God, for freedom.

I'm Going to UGANDA!!

2009-08-15T14:33:00.005-04:00

hey everyone. i know i haven't updated in a while. my life has been a bit chaotic.

i have some good news and some bad news. i'll give you the bad news first. i won't be going to school this fall. my college messed up and lost a bunch of my paperwork, and when i deferred my application last year to enter the treatment program in tulsa for the bulimia, they didn't defer my application, as i had asked them to... they actually withdrew it. so in january, i had to start the whole process all over again, which i did. i RE-PAID about $600 worth of fees that i had already paid last summer, even though i didn't ever set foot on the campus. i was getting concerned, in june, when i didn't hear from the school. i had gotten all my FAFSA and TAP grant award letters, but nothing from the college. so i e-mailed them a bunch of times and never heard anything. finally, after being very firm, i heard back from admissions last week. that's when i found out that a bunch of my stuff has been lost, i had a week to fill out forms and gather copies of the information that had been 'misplaced', and that classes started on august 25th. that was not going to be possible, and i was NOT happy. to be honest, i was pissed because now i had a whole year of planned time that was now open and UNplanned.

on to the GOOD news! i was 'talking' to my dear friend gabi (via e-mail), who has just gotten back from a missions trip to uganda with Show Mercy International (SMI). after looking at her pictures, and reading the blog she kept while in uganda, i felt a tug at my heart and i didn't know why. i kept ignoring it, until i could no longer do so. so i prayed, and asked God what on earth He wanted. and after much prayer, i feel that it is not an accident that i am not going to be in school until the fall of 2010... i feel that God wants me on the trip the SMI is taking to uganda this january, from the 11th to the 25th. my application and $500 deposit has to be in to SMI ASAP. the rest of the balance for the trip ($750) has to be in by november 1st. the deposit will be used towards my expenses (airfare, lodging, food, bottled drinking water, etc). i will need to pay for the yellow fever shot and malaria vaccine (both $110 each), since insurance companies don't cover that. i will have the opportunity to see the nile river (yay!) and do some sight-seeing, but the majority of the 12 days in uganda will be spent in an orphanage called hope children's home. some time will be spent in a hospital and some time will be spent in a prison. information about the trip is here: http://www.showmercy.org/2009/08/14/

please keep this in your prayers!! i am going to be doing a mad scramble to get the $500 in to Show Mercy International ASAP to reserve a spot for this trip. i know God will provide the funds, but it's a matter of me trusting Him and having the faith that He'll provide for me. i don't think i've EVER put this much faith in God, so this is quite the test for me!

much love to you all!
ali xoxo

I AM A MERCY GRADUATE!!

2009-05-24T18:48:00.016-04:00

MY MERCY RING!! IT TOOK FIVE YEARS OF DETOURS, BUT I FINALLY GOT IT!

GIVING MY TESTIMONY, WHICH I WASN'T NERVOUS ABOUT AT ALL! I HAD TYPED OUT WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY, AND DIDN'T LOOK AT IT BEFORE I WENT UP TO SIT DOWN, OR WHILE I WAS SITTING WAITING TO GIVE MY TESTIMONY!

MY MOM AND I, RIGHT AFTER THE GRADUATION CEREMONY. SHE KEPT TELLING ME HOW PROUD OF ME SHE WAS! IT WAS MAKING ME LAUGH!

THE FORMER PROGRAM MANAGER OF THE MONROE, LOUISIANA MERCY HOME (MARGARET). IT WAS TOTALLY GOD THAT SHE HAPPENED TO BE IN NASHVILLE THE DAY I WAS GRADUATING! IT WAS AWESOME TO SEE HER, AND SHE SAID SOME REALLY ENCOURAGING THINGS TO ME DURING THE GRADUATION THAT MEANT A LOT TO ME.

MARGARET, SHEILA AND ME. SHEILA WAS IN THE MONROE MERCY HOME WITH ME WHEN I WAS THERE IN 2004. SHE AND HER MOM CAME TO MY GRADUATION, AND IT WAS GREAT TO CATCH UP WITH HER!! WE TALKED ABOUT THE OLD TIMES LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY!

ME AND MY PEN PAL SABRINA. I INVITED HER TO MY GRADUATION, AND SHE AND HER HUBBY JEREMY CAME FROM KENTUCKY TO SEE ME GRADUATE! SHE'S JUST AS SWEET IN PERSON AS SHE IS IN HER LETTERS! IT WAS GREAT TO MEET HER!

ME AND ONE OF THE OTHER GRADUATES, JENN. I MET HER IN MARCH, AND SHE'S A SWEETHEART! I CAUGHT HER AS SHE WAS LEAVING, THUS THE REASON FOR HER ARMLOAD FULL OF STUFF. :P
********************************************

my graduation from mercy ministries was incredible. i have never been so touched by anything in my life! God has been so faithful and full of grace, mercy and love. it took me five years to get to this point, but i finally did it! i couldn't have done this without the help of so many amazing people in my life; barb, naomi, gwen, all of my amazing friend, and, most importantly, GOD. without Him, i wouldn't even be here today. i'd have been dead a long time ago...

in my testimony, i mentioned the sexual abuse i endured as a child, and how not telling anyone caused me to self-destruct as a young teenager; bulimia, cutting, and drinking. then i turned to promiscuity and prostitution. i also talked about how i never had a close relationship to my dad growing up, and how whenever i heard God referred to as our "Heavenly Father", i used to cringe. simply because i used to think of the relationship with my own dad. i got kind of choked up when i mentioned what i learned at mercy this past march; how when i am hurting and when i cry, God also hurts and cries. that i learned that i'll never be perfect because only GOD is perfect.

during graduation, after all four of us graduates gave our testimonies, the staff talked to us; as a group and individually. so many of the mercy staff spoke to me. i had to listen to the graduation CD's i was given to get the direct quotes. nancy alcorn, the founder and president of mercy ministries, mentioned my five year detour. she told me that i definitely took a detour, but there i was, at graduation!

AMY, my counselor while i was at mercy in march, prayed over me. she thanked God that, even with my detour, i chose to finish what i started, and that He translated me out of the kingdom of darkness and into His kingdom. she thanked God for removing the cloaks of guilt and shame and for putting a robe of righteousness on me. she said that the lies of the enemy are silenced, and that i have full authority and permission to walk forward into everything that God has ordained for my future. she prayed for favor on my schooling this fall, so that i can fully love and serve God as i minister to people in places of hurt. amy also prayed that the vision never be removed from before me, and that i continue to follow and seek after God all the days of my life. when amy spoke to me, she reminded me that, when i was at mercy in march, i kept telling her that i had a choice; maybe not about what happened to us, but about how we choose to respond and how we live our life after that. she mentioned the woman in Luke 7 (the prostitute) and how she cleaned Jesus' feet with her hair and tears, and then anoints his feet with expensive perfume; everything she had. she had a choice that day: she could have stayed in shame about the decisions she had made, she could have believed that the only life she would ever have would be one of prostitution, but she decided to go before Jesus and let him transform her life. his words to her were, "you're forgiven, now go in peace". amy said that Jesus said the same thing to me. she said that it is finished. she said that he has done all the work, and all i have to do is walk forward. ASHLEY, the program director in nashville, told all four of us graduates, that we've been building a foundation by pouring our hearts out to God and letting Him pour into us. the foundation is set, even though there may be question marks in our future. she said that God knows the answer to the question marks, and we just need to trust Him. she also said God will use the experiences in our past to rebuild our future. CISSY, the executive director of the program, told me that it took a lot of guts and a lot of hard work to deal with and address the issues i went to nashville to address. she said that in my journey, i'm going to face thing that are going to cause us to stumble. no one is perfect. but God has given us the power to choose well. she said our sins are forgiven, and God is slow to anger. cissy said the 4 of us are all called of God, and we're to walk in that calling and not to be passive or fearful in the process. she said the enemy will try to side-track us, but everything we need is inside of us. cissy said that every time we finish something, character is developed. AMBER, the director of transitional care, read HEBREWS 4:14-16 to me. she said that she, amy and cissy were really proud of me; that i've been through a lot in my life, particularly in the last few months, but i've continued to press on, not give up, and face the dark valley i've walked through. amber said that's a witness to the deep character that has been built, but also to the heart i have for God. she told all four of us that Jesus has been tempted in every way we have ever been, so he sympathizes with what we go through. so we can BOLDLY approach the throne of grace. before margaret spoke to me, NANCY spoke and mentioned that margaret was the program director of the monroe home when i was there in 2004. she said it was no accident that margaret was there when i was graduating. nancy said it was totally God who orchestrated it, and i have to agree with her. anyway, she said that i have the gift of encouragement. nancy mentioned her blog and said that she loves getting comments on her blog and she knows that, if no one else reads it, she knows that i do because i'm always leaving comments. that got a laugh from everyone in the room, and i couldn't help but laugh! she also said that i was only at mercy for a week in march, but it's a lot more fun to chase the devil off in a week than in six months! that got a laugh, too! MARGARET then spoke and said that disclosing the sexual abuse while in monroe was a big moment for me, but the aftermath of doing so and not being ready to go where i needed to go resulted in self-sabotage. she said she was so proud of me, and that i am so determined and persistent and an encourager. margaret also said she was so glad that i came back and finished what i started, and that i will accomplish great and mighty things. she also said she can SO see me as a nurse because i give care and i have a tender heart. to all of us, she said we're champions and we will be world-changers!

the entire graduation was too awesome for words!!

Your Grace Still Amazes Me

2009-04-25T02:54:00.003-04:00

Your Grace Still Amazes Me - Phillips, Craig & Dean

My faithful Father, enduring Friend
Your tender mercy's like a river with no end
It overwhelms me, covers my sin
Each time I come into Your presence
I stand in wonder once again

CHORUS:
Your grace still amazes me
Your love is still a mystery
Each day I fall on my knees
Your grace still amazes me
'Cause Your grace still amazes me

Oh, patient Saviour, You make me whole
You are the Author and the Healer of my soul
What can I give You, Lord, what can I say
I know there's no way to repay You
Only to offer You my praise

It's deeper, it's wider
It's stronger, it's higher
It's deeper it's wider
It's stronger, it's higher
Than anything my eyes can see

*******************************************

we had this song playing after my pastor was done preaching last night (it's now saturday morning). and how extremely perfect it was for me.

i did EXTREMELY well for the first month after being home from mercy. no struggles, or negative thoughts, or anything like that. i felt great and i thought, "wow! i can totally do this, and God is so incredibly awesome!"

things have not been easy the past month. and i'm just going to be honest and lay it all out, because there's power in secrets. i celebrated my 31st birthday (no big deal), but i brought some pictures home with me from my mom and dad's house; pictures of myself from childhood that i was going to look through and select from for my mom's Mother's Day gift. that caused a major tail-spin, and things haven't been quite the same ever since. my nightmares started back up and my sleep has been progressively diminishing again. i'm back down to about an hour and a half of sleep a night, IF i get that. a few weeks ago, after an intensely difficult day, i logged back onto a particular site, made an account, looked at some things i shouldn't have while waiting to set something up that i shouldn't have, but deleted the account after about 30 minutes. why, you may ask? because i felt incredibly sick to my stomach and guilty. i know that was God. because i totally would have gone out and sinned more than i already had during that 30 minutes. and early thursday morning, i cut myself. again? hello guilt and shame and self-hate. but i knew what i had to do. i called mercy after the incident a few weeks ago, and i told mercy about the cutting incident. and guess what? i wasn't yelled at. yes, they were concerned, but i was prayed for and they asked if there was anything they could do for me. no condemnation from them, and i was told that they didn't expect perfection from me. because only GOD is perfect. i know that, logically, but to hear it again was helpful.

and speaking of mercy, i have my official graduation date: MAY 21st at 2pm!! despite all my messing up and failures, i'll still be heading to nashville to participate in the graduation ceremony! i still can't believe i've made it this far. God is too awesome, and too gracious, and i sometimes find myself asking Him, "WHY???" why did He give me a second chance with mercy? why did He save my life so many times when I wanted (and tried) to die? why didn't He LET me die?

WHY?!?!?

then i remember jeremiah 29:11, and it all makes sense... it wasn't in His plan. i don't know what IS in His plan for my life, but i just have to trust Him. as hard as that is all the time, i just have to have faith and do it.

Mercy Ministries at Wal-Mart!!!

2009-03-25T20:54:00.003-04:00

Hey everyone,

Joel Osteen American Greeting card series has been launched. The first set of cards are for Easter and are being sold in Wal-Mart across America! 100% of the proceeds from these cards go to Mercy Ministries and on the back of every card is the following:

“Joel Osteen Ministries is donating 100% of its proceeds from this card to Mercy Ministries. For 25 years, Mercy Ministries has been restoring hope to desperate young women seeking freedom from life-controlling problems. For information visit www.mercyministries.org.”

HOW COOL IS THIS?!?!?

Mother’s Day and Father’s Day cards will be the next ones to launch, and then later this year will be the Everyday cards available in multiple outlets where American Greetings are sold.

Please go out and buy these cards to not only encourage your friends and family, but also to support Mercy Ministries as well!

Thank you for supporting a ministry that changes lives and GLORIFIES GOD!!

The Genesis of Our Downfall

2009-03-23T15:09:00.002-04:00

The Genesis of Our Downfall
by Jordan Rubin

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth, and He populated the earth with green, yellow and red vegetables, fruits of all kinds, seeds and grains, and healthy animals to provide meat and dairy products, all so Man and Woman could live long and healthy lives.

Then Satan created ice cream and glazed doughnuts. And Satan said to Man, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man replied, "Yes!" and Woman said, "As long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." Man and Woman gained ten pounds, and Satan smiled.

So God said, "Try My fresh green salad," and Satan presented bottled dressing, greasy croutons, bacon bits and white rolls on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts.

God then said, "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables, cold-water fish, and cold-pressed oils in which to cook them." But Satan brought forth deep-fried breaded fish, french fries, and hush puppies. So Man and Woman gained more weight, and their cholesterol levels went through the roof.

God then created whole-grain pasts that was thin and delicious, and He called it angel hair, topped it with organic tomato sauce, and declared, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. But Satan gave them satellite TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained another twenty pounds.

God then gave grass-fed beef, rich in iron and zinc and low in fat, so than Man and Woman might consume more minerals and fewer calories and still satisfy their appetites. But Satan created fast-food restaurants and ninety-nine cent double cheeseburgers. Then he said, "You want fries with that?"

"Yes! And supersize them!" Man replied.

Satan said, "It is good," and Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

From the March publication of Enjoying Everyday Life (Joyce Meyer Ministries magazine).

I took a risk......

2009-03-23T01:34:00.003-04:00

i wrote my pastor and barb a note, and i'll be giving it to barb at my counseling session on tuesday afternoon. the note asks if i can share my testimony in front of my church family. i've been going to this church for less than a year (a little over 6 months, really - i started going in early august), but out of all the churches i've been to my entire life, this is the FIRST church where i've felt like i have fit in; where i haven't been judged or talked about or stared at. where i have been loved unconditionally for who i am. none of them, besides barb and pastor steve, naomi, and my nonna and poppy know my entire past. my church family loves me as they see me. and that's an amazing feeling.

do i think that sharing my past and what i've been through and done will change that? it might change how some people view me, but that is a VERY small handful of people, if any. there are a LOT of people at my church with messed up pasts. and if anyone decides they no longer CAN love me, in spite of what i've done, then that just means i'll have to pray for them even harder. it's not going to change how i feel about them. i know i've been forgiven and redeemed, and that's all that matters!

i'll let you all know what my pastor says!!

Something I wrote to a friend last night

2009-03-22T21:14:00.002-04:00

march 22, 2009

dear E-

hello! how are you? i hope this finds you well! i'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers! happy spring!

i was talking to G last night, and she said you have an "alone" weekend coming up that you're pretty scared about. i hope you don't mind that she told me. G asked if i'd write you a note, and i said, "sure!", so here it is! :) i'm not sure where it's going to go, or what's going to come out of the pen, but i'll try not to babble! :P i'll try to put into words some of what i went through at mercy, in terms of getting to, and beyond, the point of being broken before God. you kind of have an advantage because you saw how i was when i was staying with G in january. that was me in the stage of wanting to get out of my junk, but being terrified of the unknown. i was scared of what the ali was without the anorexia and bulimia and cutting and all the other labels i've been thrown on me since i was young; labels i embraced because i didn't know who i was. you also kind of know who i am after the amazing week i had at mercy FREE of all those labels. i'm happy and i like that ali without the eating disorder, cutting, etc.

so how did i get there? i'm going to try to explain that as best i can, so bear with me! as G can tell you, about a week and a half before i was supposed to leave for mercy, i called her (or e-mailed her - i can't remember) and said, "i can't go." i was afraid to fail, as i had every other time in my life. i had never finished anything. why did i expect this to be any different? i believe i told G i couldn't do it. G called me and told me i could do it. i remember her praying for me and i said i'd go, because i knew, deep down, i'd physically die if i didn't go.

anyway, on to brokenness. the day before i left for mercy, i told God that this was it. i didn't have anything left, physically OR spiritually. i told Him that He was going to have to help me because there was no way i was going to be able to do this, even with the support of all my friends and family. as much as i loved all of them, that love was not going to be strong enough to pull me through what i was going to go through that week at mercy. I knew that, and i think God knew that. i spilled my guts out to God, sitting on the edge of where my family's dock usually is (at my mom & dad's) on the lake they live on. and for the first time in my life, i actually felt like God heard me. i was broken. there was nothing. i was physically spent and spiritually drained. but for God to fill me with what i would need at mercy, i needed to be spiritually drained. it wasn't a good feeling AT ALL. i'm not going to lie to you. you're going to feel like someone kicked you in the stomach or like you got the wind knocked out of you. it feels awful. but isn't there an old saying about things getting worse before they get better? it's 100% true. my week at mercy was spiritual (and sometimes physical) boot camp. the schedule was tough. i went there during daylight savings weekend, so i lost an hour of sleep to begin with. plus, there was a time zone difference. i think this was to test if i was serious about my healing. and i passed, thankfully, but it wasn't easy. there were times when i didn't want to pray, or read my Bible, or work on my issues. i had to force myself. when i thought i had things dealt with, something else would pop up, or God would "tattle" on me. i very quickly learned to just bring things up, minus the one issue i waited until thursday to deal with that i would have gone home not having dealt with.

it's not fun to be broken. it's painful, but the length of our period of brokenness (in my opinion) depends on us. we can drag our feet through it, or we can say, "God, you know what i need. show me so i can work on it." while it's not Biblical that God won't give us more than we can handle (it's actually a mother teresa quote), it IS Biblical that He won't ever leave us or forsake us. He's always there; always has been and always will be. i struggled with that for a long time, especially surrounding my abuse as a child. but my pastor explained it this way during one of my counseling sessions: man has free will and sin is rampant on the earth. free will allows man to kill and abuse, even when it comes to innocent children. that grieves God deeply, and those who hurt children are punished especially harshly before God. so the man who abused me (and the one who abused you) is going to have to explain himself before God, and i'm glad i'm not them! God was there with me, and with you, when i was being abused. He kept me alive, and look at the testimony He has given me! you'll have one, too!!

anyway, i got through my week at mercy, even though i was broken all week. friday, however, it felt like God breathed on me. i'm not sure how to explain the end result, though. i have a new life, but my past no longer controls or dictates how my future is going to be lived. i don't refer to myself as a slut or a whore anymore. i was one. i used to cut, binge and purge, starve, drink to oblivion, sell my body for money, etc. that's not who i am anymore. i am a conqueror, a survivor, a new creation. while i was at mercy, i recommitted my life back to God. and (G will get a kick out of this) i pray out loud now, too. and even in front of people! i haven't done that since i was a kid. God took that broken area in my life and fixed it.

E, God can take your brokenness and fix it. i'm proof of that! if He did it for me, He'll do it for you! i turned my back on God twice in my life. and i'm talking down-right denied He existed. the first time, from 1998 to 2003, and again from june 2004 to right before i got in contact with G the very first time (approximately december 2007). if there was hope for me, and God still kept me safe (and kept me alive after two SERIOUS suicide attempts and one instance where my heart stopped twice in one evening due to due to the eating disorder in 2004), He's going to pull you through what you're going through!!

i love you, and i'm praying for you! if you need anything, please let me know! i know i'm a "kid", but i care about you a lot, and i hate that you're going through so much!

love & prayers,
ali

-2 timothy 1:7
-micah 7:8
-jeremiah 29:11
-psalm 30:5
-psalm 147:3
-psalm 46:10
-isaiah 41:10
-hebrews 13:5
-james 4:8
-psalm 56:3
-john 14:27
-joshua 1:9
-isaiah 40:28*
-matthew 6:26*

*if God cares this much about stars and birds, think about
how much He cares about YOU, E!!

New Life!!

2009-03-15T23:55:00.003-04:00

i got back from nashville late friday night, and it was the most amazing experience of my life! i have been asked often how my week went, and i VERY often am speechless, or i cry. God is just TOO awesome for words. i'm just going to type out my diary entries, since they have the emotions and everything else.
**some mention of sexual stuff**

MARCH 11, 2009
the past few days have been SO draining! yesterday, i told amy (my counselor here at mercy) what happened to me as a little girl. i tried to be as vague as possible because i was physically sick (nauseous) talking about it, but it really wasn't possible to be very vague... i told her about the first time i was promiscuous. it was hard to talk about both of them, but i'd never talk in any detail about the promiscuity, so that was hard. i couldn't have looked at her if i had wanted to. tuesday left me feeling extremely sick to my stomach and i cried in front of amy. i've never cried in front of a stranger. i'd known her less than an hour, and i "allowed" myself to cry. they were controlled tears, but the fact that i let myself cry in front of someone i had just met was a huge thing for me.

yesterday was REALLY tough... amy and i talked about renewing my mind, and we went through my list of checked off boxes. at one point, i started crying, and she said she could tell i was really holding back the tears. all i could do was nod my head. she asked me if she could sit on the couch next to me, and i nodded again. i did NOT trust my voice. amy asked me if she could rub my back, which was okay with me, so she started rubbing my back, and had me repeat after her: "my name is ali and i am 30 years old. i am safe and can not be hurt by my past anymore. i give myself permission to feel." i couldn't finish the "to feel" part the first time around, but was able to on the second try. i started to cry, and amy put her hands around me, pulled me to her, and i started crying harder. i put my right hand over her arm and rested my head on it. i finally let out a "belly cry," as amy calls them, and she kept whispering in my ear that i was okay. she had to keep reminding me to breathe. i'd take a big breath and keep crying. i eventually stopped crying, and guess what? it didn't kill me!!

today was hard, too. i met with amber (transitional care) this morning for a few hours, and we made a plan for when i get home. i'm going to actively pursue a job and get my resume out there. i don't want to be on disability anymore. it's keeping me stuck in my issues. right before we ended, she came right out and asked me if i had an issue with lust. my head whipped up real fast. i had told amy about the promiscuity, but not about anything else having to do with it. so i told amber about the "adult" websites and how i had posted some pictures and that there are sexual videos of me that aren't in my possession, but that i have no clue where they are. i don't know who physically has them. i also told her that i have taken money for sex on many, many occasions. amber said, "prostitution?" so i said, "not your 'standing on the street corner' prostitution, but yes." i had a hard time looking at her when i was done telling her all of this, but she said the Spirit had been bringing it up to her. it was something i needed to deal with, but was too ashamed to talk about. if amber hadn't brought it up, i would have gone home without having dealt with it, and i'd still be having problems with it down the road. i was mortified, humiliated, and sick to my stomach yet again. i cried, and amber prayed for me before i left her office.

this afternoon, two nashville graduates from a few years ago came and talked for a little bit. one of them said something about needing to give up complete control of her life. i was sitting on the floor, and amy was standing near me. i was looking at the floor the entire time, but i could see her looking at me out of the corner of my eye. when i had my session, she said she could tell i was avoiding her eye contact, and figured that i had either done something or had something to hide. amy asked me if she was right, and i nodded. she asked me how things went with amber, and i said, "rough." i explained that i had told amber something i should have brought up with amy from day one, but couldn't. i've known amy for a few days now, and it was hard for me to tell her. i'd known amber less than 3 hours, and i was able to tell her everything. i know i was afraid that amy was going to judge me. in my heart, i knew she wouldn't, but i couldn't make my brain believe it. amy was sitting next to me on the couch, and i asked her to hold my hand. she did, and i told her everything. i told her that i'd do anything to get those pornographic videos back. i felt so... dirty and nauseous after telling this to amy. she asked me to close my eyes and ask God what HE thought of me. i couldn't do it. amy asked me why i came to nashville, i told her, in tears, "because i don't want to live this way anymore." she looked at me, smiled and said, "then you need to make a decision." so i closed me eyes and asked God. He told me it wasn't my fault, that He loves me, and then i saw a picture. in the picture, i was curled up, naked, in God's palm. when i looked, it was raining. when i looked up at God, i saw that it wasn't rain, but it was His tears. HE WAS CRYING. God told me that when i hurt and when i cry, He also hurts and cries. i cried some more. at the end of the session, amy had me get out my "Lord, i forgive myself for..." list i worked on. i had to read it out loud! had i known that ahead of time, a few things wouldn't have gone on the list. i told that to amy, and she said she didn't tell me i'd be reading it out loud for that very reason. she wanted me to be as brutally honest as possible. i asked her if i could have her garbage can because i felt that sick about having to read it out loud. i didn't puke, but came close to it a few times. as i read every, single thing off the list, amy hugged me, and when i was done, i ripped the list into little pieces and threw it away.

MARCH 13, 2009 9:55am
i can't believe that today is my last day in nashville! the week has gone by SO fast! i got so much out of this week, and i feel like an entirely different person. i now know it's okay for me to get angry with God, and i can tell Him i'm angry with Him! He won't strike me with lightning! i now know it's okay to slip and to stumble, but i have to get back up. my past is not who i am, and what i've gone through (whether i had control over it or not) will help someone someday. God will take what i have used to destroy myself in the past, and He will use it to bring glory to Himself.

1:20pm
I'M GRADUATING IN MAY!!! as in, getting a certificate and a mercy ring!! i met with cissy before lunch, and we went over my generational patterns. they have been bound and they end with me. yes, the enemy is going to try to tempt me to open the door to all of those things, but the door has been shut, and i REFUSE to open them again! i am going to walk this out, and i am not going to give in to the enemy! he has lied to me for too long, and i have given him free-reign over my life for far long than he deserved! it's no longer an option for him. i signed the eviction notice, and God is now in control!

when cissy told me i was graduating in may, i started crying. this means SO much to me! it's about more than the ring. it's the fact that i've completed something besides high school, and i completed something VERY difficult... not only that, i relied on God to do it! i gave up control and allowed myself to cry and grieve in front of complete strangers who have become amazing friends and mentors. i was honest about things i was called out on, even when i was embarrassed and ashamed and physically sickened by it. i learned that it's okay to be honest, even when it's horribly painful. i allowed myself to be incredibly vulnerable and broken. i allowed God to fix that brokenness in a way that only HE can.

i'm eternally grateful for everything that everyone in nashville has done for me this week. i know that God opened this door, and i'm so glad that i took the step of faith off the mountain and trusted that He would catch me. i don't know what God has in store for me, but everyone keeps telling me it's something awesome. i was so blessed this week, despite being emotionally and physically exhausted. IT WAS WORTH IT! i don't regret the pain of this week. i don't regret the exhaustion, or heartache, or tears, or headaches. i don't regret a single bit of it! my freedom is worth it! God has done so many miraculous things this week. i wasn't sure i could do it, and i had my doubts. but i dove right in and finished what i started, and accomplished what needed to be done. and i survived, too!

God just amazes me. i never thought i'd have the chance to graduate from mercy, and God totally made that happen. my biggest regret has been not finishing mercy back in 2004. i carried that around with me for FIVE years. and i let it go today. i'm sad to leave today, but i came, i worked, and i conquered with God's help!!

******************************************************

here it is, early monday morning (march 16th), and i am still feeling really good! my family has noticed a huge difference in me, and i can't wait to be able to see people from my church! if you got this far, you're awesome for reading this!!

Tomorrow!

2009-03-07T18:58:00.004-05:00

my mom took me to get my hair cut yesterday afternoon. i'm still getting used to the bangs. i haven't had bangs since i was about 7-8 years old. the length is okay. i'm okay with that. it's just the bangs. not sure how i feel about them... i got a lot of compliments at church today. a few people had to do double-takes, because they didn't recognize me. my pastor's wife walked by me once, then came back a second time, and came BACK and was like, "oh my gosh! your hair looks great! i love it" she said the bangs soften my face.

ANYWAY, it's kind of surreal that i'm leaving tomorrow... i talked to barb (my pastor's wife) tonight and she told me i was going to be fine. instead of my usual, "i hope so," i actually said something different, without even thinking. i said, "i know." she was like, "see? you're already making changes!" and i guess barb is right. my outlook IS different. i feel more... hopeful? i'm not sure what it is, exactly.

but i'm packed, except for a certain pair of jeans and my dressy black socks (they're in the dryer), and my meds, deodorant, contact lens case, and brush, all of which i'll need in the morning. i need to go to bed, thanks to daylight savings time and the hour of sleep i'll lose tonight.

i'd really appreciate everyone's prayers this coming week!

A Few Days To Go...

2009-03-04T19:12:00.002-05:00

it's so hard to believe that, in about an hour at this time on sunday night, i'll be leaving chicago-midway airport, headed towards nashville. i remember when i got the dates from one of the corporate mercy staff ladies, and she said i'd be in nashville on march 8th. it seems like it was only yesterday that i thought, "how am i going to get through the next 30 days?" and here it is, march 4TH, and it doesn't even seem possible.

i've started packing the things i don't need before sunday, since i'll be at my mom and dad's tomorrow night and friday night. i won't be home saturday, most of the day, and i won't be home at ALL on sunday. i'm leaving early in the morning on sunday to go to church with karrie and brett, and leaving for the airport from my mom and dad's after family dinner. my friend laura is meeting whoever is bringing me to the airport. that hasn't been decided yet. i know karrie is bringing me, but i don't know if my mom is coming with us. i would assume she is, but you know what happens when you assume... :D

i'm scared and excited. scared to get rid of and walk away from my past. it has been the one CONSTANT thing in my life; it has always been there when i've needed it and it has been consistent. it has kept me safe and kept me alive. i'm scared to see who i am without my protective layers on and without the weight of my past; who i am without the identity of anorexic, bulimic, "hopeless case", cutter, alcoholic, slut, whore, promiscuous bitch, prostitute and everything else i've been called and labeled as over the years. those labels came from both professionals and those NOT in the medical/psychiatric field. but i'm also excited to see who i am without the weight of the past constantly making me fall down. excited to see what God has in store for me. excited to see what He has planned.

thank you for keeping me in your prayers. they are greatly appreciated. seriously. and if you could keep me in your prayers next week while i'm at mercy, as well, that would be really awesome! the work i'm going to do is not going to be easy, but it has to be done if i want to put everything behind me and walk in the freedom God says i deserve and am entitled to.

"The Climb" - Miley Cyrus

2009-02-25T14:58:00.004-05:00

i'm not a "hannah montana" fan. but i found this song to be really pertinent to what i'm going through right now. the lyrics fit. the video doesn't need to be watched, so that screen can be minimized. just focus on the lyrics!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NG2zyeVRcbs

"The Climb"
by Miles Cyrus

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreamin
But there's a voice inside my head saying you'll never reach it
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shakin
But I, I gotta keep tryin
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it but these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on 'cause

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
But Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side
It's the climb

Yeah-yeah

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes you're gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side
It's the climb

Yeah-yeah-yea

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith
Baby

It’s all about
It’s all about the climb
Keep your faith
Keep your faith

Beautiful

2009-02-20T00:02:00.005-05:00

beautiful girl-

i can read you, and it makes me really sad. mainly because i see a LOT of you in myself. i've never told you anything about my past. but i can read you, and it makes me cry. some of the things you say make me think, "is she inside of my head?" i, too, hide my hurt and my pain and my insecurities.

you carry yourself so well, and to others, your hurt and your pain are hidden. but i can see them. because i carry the same hurt, and the same pain. i wish i could hold you tight and take away ALL of that hurt and pain, and everything that you're so afraid of. because i would do it in an instant. because i can see the way it drags you down and causes you to stumble. because it keeps you bound, imprisoned and caught in a lie. it keeps you from living the life that He wants you to live; a life you deserve. a life you are SO worthy of.

like you, i am very self-conscious. it's not just about my weight. i'm self-conscious about EVERYTHING; the way i look, the way i talk, the way i smile, etc. i know a LOT of the women feel that way... it's not just you, although you feel like it is. YOU are not alone in feeling this way. i'm not sure where we get it from, but something must have happened to us to make us feel uncomfortable in our skin... a comment by someone, a look, a magazine ad or television commercial that said we weren't "this" body type or "that" height... i don't know what. but you are BEAUTIFUL.

i, too, am afraid of failing miserably at life. part of me feels i already HAVE failed. i have wasted more than three-quarters of my life listening to the lies that were whispered in my ear when i wanted to try something new. when i wanted to be more than what i was. when i wanted to live. the lies that said, "you'll never be able to do it." "you're never going to amount to anything." "you're always going to be like this." "you're going to fail, so don't bother even trying." i wasted three-quarters of my life listening to the voices that screamed, "where was God when you needed Him?" and "if He loved you, this wouldn't have happened."

i know what the loudest voice is saying... it says, "if God loved you, He wouldn't have left you when you needed Him the most." and you are bombarded with images of yourself as a tiny girl, innocent and fragile, trusting and free. but those images are shattered. i know they are. because mine are, too.

i'm sorry for all that you've gone through. i grieve for myself, as well. but you can stop listening to those lies and voices that plague you. they aren't true. i promise. it has taken me a long time to learn that, and i'm hoping it doesn't take you as long.

i love you,
ali

The "Who" and The "What"

2009-02-15T21:03:00.003-05:00

i have been inpatient thirty-seven times from age 19 until this past may (age 30) for the eating disorder, self-mutilation, depression and numerous suicide attempts. i have heard, during every, single hospitalization, that who and what i am is who and what i will be for the rest of my life. that i just need to learn how to "live with it" and face the fact that i will be on psychiatric medication for the rest of my life because i won't be able to function properly without it. i've been told that i'm a "victim" of what has happened to me in my past, and that i have a right to play the victim role. i've also been told that i'll be too sick, mentally, to ever return to work to be a functioning, contributing member of society.

but i know, as well as all of you do, that God's will is NOT for us to live in bondage and remain "victims" of our past... He wants us FREE, and freedom and bondage cannot go hand-in-hand. they cannot co-exist. it's impossible.

i am slowly learning to take off the "victim" mentality and put on the SURVIVOR identity. i survived what happened to me in my past. i didn't die, but lived through it. victims die. survivors live. and i lived. yes, i tried to kill myself, but God spared me. i was furious about this all the times i found myself alive in the emergency room following a suicide attempt, but i'm slowly coming around to the idea that God has something bigger planned for me than the death i so desperately wanted before age twenty-one. i may not see what those plans are yet, but i have to trust that God knows what He's doing. i still have chains that need to be broken, and the week i'm going to spend in nashville in less than a month will help more of them break. i've broken some of them in counseling with barb and naomi, and i broke some of them in richmond with my amazing friend gwen. i have a lot of chains; i kept wrapping myself in them, hurt after hurt, year after year. so there are a lot of them. but at least they're starting to break. i never imagined that even being a possibility. but it's happening. am i scared about that? of course! because it's scary to lose something that has protected you for so many years.

but it's time to move on. and i have to stop walking forward and looking behind myself for what i think i'll be missing in my past. there's nothing in my past that i want. NOTHING. all that is in my past is a lot of hurt, and painful memories, and sin that i don't want to go back to. i need to turn myself completely around and walk forward, with my eyes on God, and keep them there. i know there are going to be temptations, and pulls to go back. but if i remind myself of where i came from, and how horribly miserable i was, i am sure to stay on the right path.

LET IT FADE!

2009-02-11T17:49:00.003-05:00

when i couldn't sleep last last/this morning, i put a CD into my CD player. i ended up listening to jeremy camp's "beyond measure" CD. the song "let it fade" came on, and i had forgotten all about that song... i haven't listened to this CD since last fall, i'm guessing? i'm using it as my theme song from now on. you probably already know the song, but i'm enclosing the lyrics, and "bolding" the parts that have a special meaning right now. THANK YOU, TO GOD AND TO THIS PROGRAM, FOR OFFERING ME THIS NEW LIFE!!

"Let It Fade" - Jeremy Camp

Have you been walking on a surface that's uncertain?
Have you helped yourself to everything that's empty?
You can't live this way too long.
There's more than this, more than this.
Have you been standing on your own feet too long?
Have you been looking for a place where you belong?
You can rest, you will find rest.
You can rest, you will find rest.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
**Let this new life offered be your saving grace.**
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Have you been holding on to what this world has offered?
Have you been giving in to all these masquerades?
It will be gone, forever gone.
It will be gone, it will be gone

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Let it fade.

Are you carrying the weight too much?
Are you running from the call?
Let it fade, Oh yeah.

You can rest, you will find rest.
You can rest you will find rest.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Have you been standing on your own feet too long?
Have you been looking for a place where you belong?

One Month and Counting...

2009-02-09T15:51:00.004-05:00

i heard from the program today. i'll be flying into nashville on sunday, march 8th. it's fine for me to stay in the home with the girls (which is a HUGE relief) so that i'm able to have accountability while i'm getting the intense counseling i'll be getting. i'll be flying back to albany on friday afternoon/evening (march 13th). i'll be participating in a lot of the activities that the girls do in the morning (Bible reading, classes), but my afternoons will be devoted to the one-on-one counseling. i'll be participating in the evening activities with the girls, as well. i was asked what, specifically, i wanted to work on, and i said that, basically, everything that's going on in my life right now is a result of what happened to me as a child. the abuse happened, and things just piled on top of it because i didn't deal with the abuse for 22 years. when i got to this program five years ago (i can't believe it's been that long!) and told them about the abuse, i didn't talk much about it after that. so i got it out there, and that was it. i honestly feel that, once the abuse is dealt with and processed, a lot of what i'm dealing with now (the eating disorder, cutting, self-esteem stuff, etc) will lessen or disappear entirely. and that would be AMAZING. on march 12th, i'll be meeting with the director of transitional program to discuss plans for when i get home and stuff like that. and then i fly home the next day.

so this is happening!! and i'm scared... PRAY FOR ME!!!

Broken

2009-02-09T00:51:00.004-05:00

**the following lyrics are from a song called "Broken Down" by Sevendust. after the lyrics, i explain why the lyrics are pertinent to what i'm feeling.**

It takes time
To heal the wounds
I've made along the way
If I'm blind
Open my eyes 'cause
I need to see again

If I can feel again
Will you tell me now
Or wait til I'm
broken down again
Save me now
I'm broken

If I bleed
My lies won't fill
the emptiness
inside
I just need
For something real to
open up my mind

Breaking down
I'm breaking down
Breaking down
I'm breaking down
It takes time

If I can feel again
Will you tell me now
Or wait til I'm
broken down again
Save me now
I'm broken

If I can feel again
Will you tell me now
Or wait til I'm
broken down again
Save me now
I'm broken

It takes time
Breaking down
(breaking down)
I'm breaking down
If I can feel again
*************************************

these lyrics kind of explain how i'm feeling right this minute. i feel incredibly broken. not only because of my past, but even because of current issues. i feel like my life is being ripped in two. new life and old life. i'm standing over a crack in the ground, and it's starting to seperate. the gap is getting wider and wider. i have a decision to make, and it's not an easy one... do i want to give up my current way of coping with my emotions and my control, or do i want to remain broken and reliant on these methods of control? as the gap gets wider, my thoughts become more frantic, and the decision becomes harder to make. it becomes less logical, and more based on emotions... i know, in my heart, what i need to do. but is it normal to be this SCARED of what i know is right???

Scars Tell a Story...

2009-02-08T01:52:00.005-05:00

**this excerpt is taken from the end of the first chapter of a book written by sharon jaynes. the book is called Your Scars Are Beautiful to God, and the chapter is called "Scars Tell a Story." the emphasis in the excerpt is mine. :)**

Perhaps the most painful scars I bear are the ones you cannot see. You know the ones I’m talking about. We all have them. They are the scars on our hearts and in our souls. The scar of rejection from a father who didn’t know how to love me. The scar of growing up in a home riddled with alcohol and physical abuse. The scar of disappointment at the loss of a child. The scar of broken dreams.

We receive scars in one of two ways: What has been done to us by other people or what has been done through us by our own mistakes and failures. Either way, I believe that scars are not something we need to hide or be ashamed of, but rather an invitation to share the healing power of Jesus Christ with a hurting world. For a scar, by its very definition, implies healing.

Perhaps you’ve never thought of the wounds in your life as potential treasures. I encourage you to dig a little deeper, push aside the dirt, and discover the jewels that lie beneath the surface. Like sparkling diamonds, glistening rubies, and shimmering emeralds, our scars are beautiful to God.

Along the way, you may realize that your wounds have yet to heal. That’s okay. I invite you to join me on an amazing journey to finding peace and purpose in the pain of your past. But be forewarned. This journey could change your life.

Some Photos I Really Like

2009-02-08T01:38:00.004-05:00

Little Girl Lost - MAY TRIGGER

2009-02-08T01:16:00.005-05:00

Little Girl Lost

Ali Davis

Little girl lost,

never to be found.

She never speaks;

not a sound.

All her pain

she holds inside.

She wants so desperately to talk,

but she must remain quiet and hide.

She used to be an outgoing 4-year-old;

bubbly, daring and care-free.

Now she wants to be someone

that no one can hear or see.

He told her, again and again,

that she must not make a sound.

He took that vibrant little girl spirit

and buried it in the ground.

She grew into a teenager, but very much a hurting little girl inside.

Ever worsening depression and self-hatred set in.

Anorexia, bulimia, cutting and drinking

were only the beginning of the sin.

Adulthood came, and with it,

rehab, suicide attempts and casual sex with random men.

Still bulimic, depressed and still cutting, too...

When would the torment end?

Thirty-seven inpatient psychiatric hospitalization

from age nineteen and thirty.

I don't want to do this anymore...

I don't want to be hurting!

Little girl lost...

Will she ever be found?

Will there come a day

when she will once again make a joyful sound?

Little girl lost;

can she move past years of SHAME and PAIN?
Can she move on and learn to trust God,

and others,

and HERSELF,

and learn to live again?

-January 11, 2009

In His Arms

2009-02-06T00:59:00.006-05:00

i have always wondered what it feels like to be held tightly in the arms of God. i was saved when i was seven years old, and since then, i have always heard in my sunday school classes (and later on in numerous sermons over many years) how God always holds us and keeps us safe. but i'll be honest with you... i don't think i've ever experienced that. it's not because God hasn't wanted to; but because i haven't let Him...

"why?", you may ask. a lot of that centers around the anger i have towards God. and some of it is plain, old fear. FEAR! God is always portrayed as a father figure. "the Heavenly Father." i see God the same way i see my earthly father, though... as a child, my father and i didn't get along. he yelled a lot, he had a temper, and we didn't talk a lot. i never went to him when i was hurt, or upset, or afraid. he didn't allow me to show my emotions. i've always viewed God as being the same way. logically, i know that God isn't like that. i know that God is loving and kind and patient. i know that He cares for me, and that He loves me with an unconditional, perfect love that casts out fear. but whenever i hear someone refer to God as my father, i can't help but think about my own father... i need to re-train my thought process.

i want SO DESPERATELY to crawl into Abba's lap and let Him hold me. i want to cry on His shoulders and hear Him say that everything will be okay. i want Him to hold me so tightly that nothing else in the world matters. i want child-like faith. i want to believe that nothing will harm me because i am safe in His arms. i want to sit in His lap, gaze up at His face, and see Him smile at me. i picked out the two pictures for this post because they both look a little like me as a little girl. the little girl on the left looks like she is SO content with her head on God's shoulder. she looks at ease; comfortable and safe and peaceful. God looks like He's holding her tightly to Him. the little girl on the right is being held so lovingly by God. He is smiling down at her, and she is smiling up at Him. He has His arms wrapped around her, and He's holding her tightly to Him. the little girl looks SO happy. the two pictures portray two entirely different emotional states, but are equally powerful. i want to be the little girl in both of these pictures. by the end of the week of counseling i'm going to be facing, i'm PRAYING that i will feel God's presence like this, and that i will have dealt with my anger issues with God. i want to crawl into God's lap and feel safe...

What I Want...

2009-02-04T20:26:00.000-05:00

this was an assignment from my pastor a few months ago, but i've added to it recently...

i want to be okay with the woman i see when i look in the mirror. i want to believe that she is as beautiful and as stunning as everyone else says she is. i want to see that woman through the eyes of God. i don't want to hate the round face and chubby cheeks i've had since i was born, or the upper lip that does the half curl thing when i smile.i want to be able to get on the scale and see the flashing red number and see just that; a flashing red number. i don't want to see a number that will dictate my worth and value, or a number that will determine what kind of day i will have, or a number that will will cause me to cry for an hour. i want to be able to turn off my light and go to sleep at night without having nightmares reliving my childhood abuse. i want to look into my eyes when looking into the mirror and see LIFE; not dullness and vacancy and pain and emptiness. i want to make a difference in the life of one person. i want to appreciate every sunrise and sunset, never taking a single one for granted. i want to be who i am destined and ordained to be. i want to dig up my buried childhood dreams. i want to dust them off, wash them off, hold them tight, and live them; and live them long enough to see them come to pass. i want to make someone proud of me. I want to be proud of myself. i want to stop hurting myself, and make that pattern of hurting end with my generation. i want to be okay with being alone with myself. i want to learn about myself; who ali is, what ali likes and dislikes, and all of the other things that children learn about themselves that i never learned. i want to live life to the fullest, never taking a single breath for granted. i want to finish the book i started writing. i want to publish my poetry. i want to start, and FINISH, nursing school this fall, and not quit because my grades aren't "perfect," or because i may struggle with a class or two, or because i'm human. i want to get married to a GODLY man who will love me unconditionally, despite my past and IN spite of what i have done to my body, physically, to deal with the pain of my past. i want to know and believe in my HEART, not just in my head, that God REALLY loves me. and i want to feel it. i want to heal. i want to move on. i want to be okay. i want to be ali again; flaws, imperfections, idiosyncrasies and all. and i want to be okay with who ali is. to accept that God made her the way she is, and loves her for who she is.

A Second Chance

2009-02-04T19:30:00.000-05:00

i won't go into a lot of detail right now, and those of you who DO know the details, please don't mention the details here in your comments until i clear it with the appropriate people/persons first. i'll let you know when it's "safe."

i received an offer last week that blew my mind. it came from someone "high up" in a program i was in a few years ago. i had sent this person an e-mail, letting them know my current struggles, and i honestly had not expected to hear back from this person. my attitude was, "well, if i do, great. if not, i hadn't expected to anyway." this person sent me a reply, and i had to re-read it a bunch of time. it made me cry, and i've been doing a lot of crying over the last month or so. the first paragraph was full of compassion and ZERO condemnation. the second paragraph included an offer to go back to the program for 1-2 weeks to do a "fast-track" program of sorts. basically, when i was in the program the first time, i disclosed something that i wasn't entirely ready to deal with, something that was incredibly painful and that i had held inside me for 22 years, and i went home. i had told no one what i disclosed in this program. my family didn't even know. years later, this person recognizes my maturity and willingness to deal with it now. i have accepted the offer, and am now waiting for the details.

i have been given a second chance at life and healing from my past! i have the opportunity to put the root issue of all of my issues out on the table, with the help of amazing, caring and supportive staff, and turn it over to God. i'm tired of carrying it around. it has been my "dead body," so to speak. i have been dragging this thing behind me for more than half my life, and not dealing with this root issue has, in turn, caused me to pick up other issues, which has caused this awful domino effect. one thing has led to another, which has led to another... not dealing with this root issue caused intense self-hatred, which led to the development of an eating disorder, and that wasn't enough, so that turned to self-mutilation and other forms of self-harm. that wasn't enough to quiet the voices telling me i wasn't good enough, so i tried to drown them in alcohol. i spent the month of december before my 21st birthday in rehab for alcohol abuse. when the alcohol wasn't enough, i tried to permanently quiet them with four suicide attempts. obviously, they weren't successful, and God wasn't done with me. i've messed around with men i've met through "adult" internet sites. i'm not proud of that, but i was hurting, and i did what i knew how to do; cope through hurting myself. i haven't done that since the beginning of october. that, in itself, is a miracle. God is awesome, and i stopped "cold-turkey."

i'll even admit that i've been angry at God, and i'll probably need to address this during my "fast-track" counseling with this program. i've told God that i was angry with Him before, but only to say, "hey, God. i'm angry with you." that's as far as it has gotten. i know it goes SO much deeper than that... i know that this 1-2 weeks of intense counseling is NOT going to be easy. in fact, it's probably going to be the most difficult thing i've EVER done. am i scared? yes. but i know that the hardest things in life are the things that are worth doing. i am prepared for this. i know, going into it, that it's going to be hard, and that it's going to hurt, and that i am probably going to do a LOT of crying. actually, change the "probably" to a "WILL." i WILL be doing a lot of crying. i'm probably going to feel like a wet dishrag by the end of each day. but the end result will be SO worth the pain and the tears and the vulnerability. because it HAS to be better than the life i've been living for the last almost 23 years...

and i know that God won't let me down. He wants my freedom as much as i do... because He cares too much to see me hurting...